life...

I wish that sometimes I actually had something to blog about -- but since I *try* to blog with purpose, and things of purpose rarely come to me, it seems like a loss. About once a year or so, I look back at my most up-kept blogs on myspace and livejournal, and I watch myself grow up. I watched myself go from a "fuck-life" 19 year old with nothing to lose, to a 25 year old mom and wife who respected people, held her friends close, and in general, loved life. Sometimes I ask myself, "what the fuck happened?" What happened to me when I was in my late teens that made me hate life so much, and everyone around me? What made me act like such an ignorant asshole? I could pick things here and there; family problems, an abusive ex-boyfriend, drinking, smokin pot all the time...and I think just everything came together in one big BANG and well, you got 19 year old me.

I wish I could apologize to everyone I hurt intentionally...and in fact, the most important one, my mom, I did apologize to.

But it turns out that I actually LIKE being a responsible grown up. Who the fuck knew?! Sure, I like going out to the bar, hanging out with my besties, tossin down a few drinks, whatever, but I would choose parenting and being a wife over drinking any day. Some of my FAVORITE nights are nights I've just spent hanging out with Bradford and Reilly. Why people don't want to be responsible is beyond me. Now, I get it. Kids are tough. We ALL need a break. We can.not. physically, mentally, emotionally, be attached to our kids, or even our spouses 24/7. I don't know how people used to do it, but we all need a break every once in awhile, no matter how much we love our kids and SO's. But, those breaks are few and far between.

And there is something so attractive about a man who actually takes responsibility for himself, his family, and his life. Which is part of what attracted me to Brad in the first place. Sure, he didn't have all his ducks in a row, but they were getting there. I knew he would be a good provider for me, and Reilly, and whatever other babies we decided to have (13 according to him). I'm so thankful that I have someone who is responsible like me. He likes his job for the most part, and he's good at what he does, and he takes care of us. And I love him so much for that.

So ladies and gentlemen -- the lesson of my blog tonight, I suppose, is to grow the fuck up and be responsible. Its not always easy, or fun, and sometimes its barely doable. But come on. If you're bettering yourself, or your situation, you're being responsible. And by that I mean, you have a steady job that you don't intend to fuck up, you're going to school, you can pay at least some of your own bills...you take care of your kids, your pets, your family...you don't take people for granted or use them because you "just can" or "something is just holding you back". We all need help at one point or another, but bettering yourself is a start. I love and respect all my friends, even if they are barely getting by, who can act like the responsible adults we are all supposed to be in our mid to late 20's. I don't respect those people who just expect everyone to hand them everything in life...like the entire world and all its inhabitants own them something. That ex I was talking about earlier? Yea, he acted...and still acts like the world owes him something. Like every single person on this planet fucked him over. He expects everything to go his way, all the time, or fuck it all. How is that a life? How can one enjoy anything without working for what you want? Or taking the easy way out? When something doesn't go as planned, you fucking figure it out how to get to where you want, OR you make another fucking plan and you deal with it.

And that's why I have the friends that I do. They get it. They deal with it. And they don't take life or the people in it for granted. And I love them all for it.

<3