So a couple weeks ago I blogged about what we were doing and our super secret news...and WHY exactly we were going down the road that we chose to go down.
Well, we are less than a week away from our court date and I'm getting more nervous and excited the closer it comes to the court date. Court is next Tuesday. Yesterday, we went to meet with the lawyer who will be representing us at the hearing.
For the last month or so, I've been nervous as hell. The what-ifs have been flowing. But today, when we met with our lawyer most of that changed. I'm still nervous...but not as nervous as I was before.
We went over what was basically going to happen...apparently adoption cases are pretty cut and dry. Which is pretty understandable, especially since it is looking pretty doubtful that Reilly's natural father will be in attendance in any way.
She's expecting this to go pretty quick...and really, the only thing that may take some time would be waiting until our names are called.
So if all goes well, it could be finalized as soon as Tuesday.
We also discussed after the adoption is finalized...I was under the assumption for some reason that this would be a closed adoption -- meaning that Reilly's natural father would not be able to have any contact with her legally. But I found out today that that isn't the case. There is nothing *legally* keeping him from trying to contact her, except for Brad and I...which is fine...and I think beneficial in the long run. If, a couple years down the line, she decides she wants to know about him or what happened, I will have no problem telling her, and with all the social media and google, she'd have no problem finding him...though I think right now, it is better left as a "closed" thing on our end...not that he seems to want any contact with her to begin with. I mean...I didn't stay friends with her biological father AND his mother on facebook just because it's fun. I kept that line of communication open specifically for Reilly. I let them catch glimpses into my life for my daughter.
This whole situation makes me happy for our family. For Reilly, who will legally have an amazing father. Not that she hasn't the last 4 years...Brad has been there for her when she's needed a father. He's been there for her for 4 years.And making it legal will just be the icing on the cake.
But it makes me sad too. It makes me sad that I believed Reilly's natural father when he said that he loved her. That he'd take care of her. That he'd never let anything hurt her. And he lied. He lied to me. And ultimately, he lied to Reilly. He let HIS issues/problems/entertainment/well being/LIFE come before his child. And do you know why that is wrong? When you become a parent...to one child, three children, or ten children...your life is no longer yours. Your needs and comfort and entertainment no longer come first 100% of the time. Sometimes, it's okay to take time to yourself...to have alone time or a date night. To go out with friends. But when you put yourself first...before your children...any chance you get...that's not right. And it's not being a *real* parent.
Reilly has stopped asking...she's stopped caring....she's stopped questioning. She might do it all again one day...but as of right now, she doesn't even know that they are on the same planet, let alone related by blood. And I'm more than okay with that. She has everything and everyone she absolutely needs, right here in our house.
I'm so ready for Tuesday.
07 October, 2011
24 September, 2011
Serious Update
Lots and lots has been going on lately. So, we'll start!
Last week, Brad and I got some horrible news...a friend of ours...well, mostly his, but I knew him, was killed in Afghanistan last weekend. Very, very sad and super tragic...especially shortly after the year anniversary of our other friend, Aj, being killed in Afghanistan. Needless to say, it was a pretty somber weekend at our house.
However, with that sad news, I'm very happy to say that Brad's friends and family have been so generous and have donated money to him so he can make the trip to Alabama for the funeral...which I think is fantastic. So Brad leaves for Alabama this upcoming Monday for Mike's funeral and will be back on Thursday. I'm happy he gets to go....especially since he wasn't able to get back for Aj's funeral last year. So he'll be getting into Alabama on Tuesday morning, with the funeral on Wednesday morning. His brother is awesome and is taking some time off on Wednesday and Thursday and driving down from Kentucky to grab dinner and hang out for a couple hours.
I have my 20 week baby appointment on Wednesday! Which means, it's time to *hopefully* find out if we're having a boy or a girl! I'm pretty bummed that Brad won't be here (he'll be in Alabama and all) but we've decided not to share the sex of the baby -- if we can even see it -- until after he gets back from Alabama. It'll be nice to have a little secret just for us for a day or so. I'm sure there will be a little disappointment with that...because I know so many people are looking forward to knowing if Baby O #3 will be the long awaited boy or another girl. (Btw, Reilly keeps telling me she wants another girl.) I'm going to try to see if I can call him during the ultrasound, but who knows if they'll let me or if I'll even have signal...I have horrid signal at the clinic. But he'll find out one way or another. :)
Then let's see....after Brad comes home from Alabama, Reilly starts her fall break from school. I can't believe they are already having their first break. Back in the beginning of September, I got to go to the Student of the Month assembly because Reilly got student of the month in August! Her first month in school and she got student of the month! For taking care of her responsibilities and her personal area (I assume that means her desk or something...?)
We also got her school pictures back! She looks like such a big girl instead of a little kid...it's hard to believe that in about 6 months she's going to be 6! She'll be closer to 10 than she will be 1! It just seems so impossible...I don't know why...part of one of those things that comes with being a mom I guess...?
Next! Ophelia had her FIRST BIRTHDAY a couple weeks ago! FIRST! Which means she has successfully been alive for a year and no one has died, broken anything or ended up in the hospital! Which is fabulous! We didn't really do much for her birthday...we bought her some gifts...Nannie and Opa also mailed some money (which she got some pretty awesome stuff with) and Grandma and Grandpa sent some gifts her way as well...we had pizza and I made cake in a jar (which color wise, looked really sad). She made a disgusting mess and had not one, but two baths. But all in all it was a pretty decent birthday! No parties, no other kids, no huge mess to clean up...just Ophelia, Sissy, Mama and Daddy (And Mocha!) celebrating with our little toddler. (WHA?! TODDLER??!!)
So that was fun.
I posted last week (I think) about taking Reilly's biological dad to court -- we're petitioning the courts to let Brad legally adopt Reilly. It's seeming like it's going to go our way, but the closer we get to the court date, the more nervous I get. I'm not sure why...especially since bother her bio-father and her bio-grandmother have both defriended me on Facebook...which was a line of communication I was keeping open, even though I didn't really want to, so that they would have access to any pictures I post of Reilly, any fun things that she was doing, or just to get in contact with me to skype or what-have-you with her. And since I keep my profile private (to keep other people out of my business) they no long have access to any of that. Which is their loss really. Reilly is an amazing girl...and they are just missing whatever time they have left being in her life. I say that, only because with the backing of friends and family (and Brad of course) I am very confident that this hearing will go in mine and Brad's favor. Though I'm still nervous, so what's that say? Haha. Just me worrying I guess....like I do. So we have court. I'm looking forward to that being done and over with.
Just a couple days after court, Brad is having surgery on his neck to replace a disc...or something. I don't really know what's going on....all I know is that he'll be in the hospital overnight and then he'll have a month of recovery time...which means he'll be home for a month. Should be all well and good and hopefully that helps with his neck problems that he's been having.
So that's that. I'll try to post more often....things have been so busy with Ophelia being a toddler, me being pregnant, and Reilly in school....then Brad just doing all his normal work stuff, that I haven't really gotten a chance to sit down and write something. But since the girls have been nicely playing in the playroom for the last 45 minutes or so, I've gotten some time to write. Woo!
<3ttfn
Last week, Brad and I got some horrible news...a friend of ours...well, mostly his, but I knew him, was killed in Afghanistan last weekend. Very, very sad and super tragic...especially shortly after the year anniversary of our other friend, Aj, being killed in Afghanistan. Needless to say, it was a pretty somber weekend at our house.
However, with that sad news, I'm very happy to say that Brad's friends and family have been so generous and have donated money to him so he can make the trip to Alabama for the funeral...which I think is fantastic. So Brad leaves for Alabama this upcoming Monday for Mike's funeral and will be back on Thursday. I'm happy he gets to go....especially since he wasn't able to get back for Aj's funeral last year. So he'll be getting into Alabama on Tuesday morning, with the funeral on Wednesday morning. His brother is awesome and is taking some time off on Wednesday and Thursday and driving down from Kentucky to grab dinner and hang out for a couple hours.
I have my 20 week baby appointment on Wednesday! Which means, it's time to *hopefully* find out if we're having a boy or a girl! I'm pretty bummed that Brad won't be here (he'll be in Alabama and all) but we've decided not to share the sex of the baby -- if we can even see it -- until after he gets back from Alabama. It'll be nice to have a little secret just for us for a day or so. I'm sure there will be a little disappointment with that...because I know so many people are looking forward to knowing if Baby O #3 will be the long awaited boy or another girl. (Btw, Reilly keeps telling me she wants another girl.) I'm going to try to see if I can call him during the ultrasound, but who knows if they'll let me or if I'll even have signal...I have horrid signal at the clinic. But he'll find out one way or another. :)
Then let's see....after Brad comes home from Alabama, Reilly starts her fall break from school. I can't believe they are already having their first break. Back in the beginning of September, I got to go to the Student of the Month assembly because Reilly got student of the month in August! Her first month in school and she got student of the month! For taking care of her responsibilities and her personal area (I assume that means her desk or something...?)
 |
| Look at my big girl!! |
Next! Ophelia had her FIRST BIRTHDAY a couple weeks ago! FIRST! Which means she has successfully been alive for a year and no one has died, broken anything or ended up in the hospital! Which is fabulous! We didn't really do much for her birthday...we bought her some gifts...Nannie and Opa also mailed some money (which she got some pretty awesome stuff with) and Grandma and Grandpa sent some gifts her way as well...we had pizza and I made cake in a jar (which color wise, looked really sad). She made a disgusting mess and had not one, but two baths. But all in all it was a pretty decent birthday! No parties, no other kids, no huge mess to clean up...just Ophelia, Sissy, Mama and Daddy (And Mocha!) celebrating with our little toddler. (WHA?! TODDLER??!!)
 |
| Happy Birthday Ophelia!! |
Just a couple days after court, Brad is having surgery on his neck to replace a disc...or something. I don't really know what's going on....all I know is that he'll be in the hospital overnight and then he'll have a month of recovery time...which means he'll be home for a month. Should be all well and good and hopefully that helps with his neck problems that he's been having.
So that's that. I'll try to post more often....things have been so busy with Ophelia being a toddler, me being pregnant, and Reilly in school....then Brad just doing all his normal work stuff, that I haven't really gotten a chance to sit down and write something. But since the girls have been nicely playing in the playroom for the last 45 minutes or so, I've gotten some time to write. Woo!
<3ttfn
15 September, 2011
Background Story -- Adoption Journey
I've sat down and written this blog post before. I have gone over and over word choices, length, etc, etc, in my head. I've thought a lot about it because of the position that I'm in. And I'll get into the secret, and why I had to keep it a secret shortly, but real quick, a little bit of a back story...
Firstly, for those of you who don't know me personally, my husband is not Reilly's biological dad. I got pregnant with Reilly in 2005. It was a big surprise, as I was planning on getting back on birth control and not even bothering with the trying to make a baby for awhile. I was fine with that. But, turns out I was pregnant. No biggie. Pregnancy was easy enough. No complications. I ended up with a happy, healthy little girl born in March of 2006.
My relationship with her dad wasn't the greatest...we had our good times, but over all, it wasn't that great. I actually think it was pretty doomed from the start, but whatever...it was what it was. When I met my now husband in 2007, things just clicked. I was still "together" with Reilly's dad, but we were just going through the motions of life...at least I was. I had mentally "checked out" of the relationship and was pretty much sticking around just for the benefit of the kids (Reilly and her half siblings) so when I met my husband and we just clicked, I was outta there. I took Reilly and moved back in my parents and I started a relationship with my husband. Less than two months later, we were married and moving into our own little place for us to start a family.
Reilly and Brad took to each other like white on rice. They adored each other like crazy and it was like all the little pieces of the puzzle fit together. Reilly was happy and thriving and had someone who showed he cared about her in her life. Brad did things for Reilly that he didn't have to do, but did anyway. For instance, he added her to his health and dental insurance. And though that doesn't sound like a big deal, it really is....before, she was on the state health insurance and that was it.
Since I left her biological dad, things have gone down hill with their relationship. For awhile, she was seeing him on a regular basis and even spending the night there a couple times. But that didn't last very long...soon, other things became much too "important"....instead of spending time with his ever growing daughter, who was learning new things every day, he was out drinking with his friends and doing this or that. So Reilly spent the majority of her time with Brad and I, or "daddy" as she called him by then....which was fine with us. We went and did all the fun stuff that families did and enjoyed each others company. And Reilly and Brad had more and more time to bond.
So ever since the beginning of 2008, Reilly hasn't really had a relationship with her biological dad. After a couple months of being married, she stopped staying the night over there...then she stopped visiting every other weekend. Then it went to once a month...then MAYBE once a month. Then every couple months...there was one point in time where her bio-dad didn't actually SEE her for four months. That was made worse by the fact that in late 2009 he was in a accident that left him in a wheel chair. He was in the hospital for quite some time up in Seattle and while I brought her up there, it wasn't something I could do on a regular basis. When he got out of the hospital back home, I was certain that things were going to be different. I thought deep down that a near death experience would make him appreciate all that he had, including his three kids. I thought he was going to ask to see her more often so he could spend more time with her and get to know her a little bit better. He didn't know how smart she was...he best knew the 1 1/2 - 2 year old Reilly...not the 3 year old Reilly...and certainly not the 4 year old Reilly. He had no idea who she was as a person....what she liked or didn't like...what her favorite songs or movies were, or her favorite books. That didn't happen.
So then, we moved to Hawaii. Which we all knew would be a little more difficult....there's a two-three hour time difference, depending on the time of the year, thousands of miles -- which means we couldn't go back to visit whenever we wanted...our schedules changing...a new baby, Reilly starting school...there were so many things happening. I knew that it wouldn't be the same, but I thought that with at least that much space between Reilly and her biological dad, he would at least make the effort to talk to his daughter every couple of weeks or once a month.
Unfortunately, I was sadly mistaken. We moved to Hawaii in July 2010. I can count the number of times Reilly has physically talked to her biological dad on one hand. I can count the number of correspondences total in less than two. In a year. Would you like to know when the last time Reilly sat in front of a computer and Skyped with her biological dad was? December 15, 2010. Yes, you are doing your math right. It's been over 9 months since she said a word to him. Her birthday was the last time any contact was made at all (a birthday card was sent...no birthday phone call, nothing) which was at the end of March...which was 5 months ago. For comparisons sake...would you like to know the last time she talked to her Grandma on the phone? Yesterday. The last time they talked via webcam? A couple weeks ago. My mom has made two trips out here to see her...and while I know that isn't exactly possible for her dad, my mom also sends Reilly and Ophelia care packages on a pretty frequent basis. Brad's mom has also made a trip out here to visit, all the way from Ohio. Do we talk on the phone as often? No, but there's also a 6 hour time difference and Brad's mom and dad work all week. Reilly stills gets a chance to talk to them whenever she can.
Could you please tell me that you could go 5 months without even sending a card to your kid? Could you really go 8 months without telling your child "I love you"...or even a simple "hello"??
I've never asked for a penny from Reilly's biological dad. Brad and I have footed the bill for everything for her...new toys, new clothes, food, a place to live. We take her to the movies and the park and zoo. Just recently, we went school supplies shopping and we paid for her to ride the bus (which yes, it costs money here in Hawaii for her to ride the bus less than 5 miles a day.) We take care of her health and dental needs. I never asked for any money because: 1) I knew I wouldn't get it. 2) I didn't want to go to court to TRY to get it. 3) We didn't need it. Sure...more money always helps, but we weren't and aren't struggling to provide for our family. After his accident, Social Security was set up for Reilly because according to the state, she is entitled to it. And what exactly does the state deem her entitled to? $33 a month. Wanna know what THAT buys in Hawaii? Not much, let me tell you that. So every once in awhile we'll take the money out and spend it on this or that for Reilly, usually a new toy or a special treat for her...but that isn't going to cover a dental bill. That wouldn't even cover half of what it costs for her to ride the school bus for ONE quarter.
It's all very tiring for me as a mother. Reilly used to ask me questions about "when will my dad Brett talk to me"....but those questions have long since faded...I haven't heard her mention her biological dad in months. When she comes home from school, she wants to share her news with me and her daddy. Sometimes her Grandma and Grandpa or Nannie and Opa. Sometimes her Auntie Brooke and Uncle Steve. But never her dad Brett. I don't blame her. I wouldn't want to talk to someone who didn't want to talk to me either.
Reilly has told me many things over the months and years that would lead you to believe that even she doesn't consider her "dad Brett" her real dad. Firstly, she calls him "dad Brett"....not dad, not daddy, but "dad Brett". She's said this to me before: "my dad Brett is just pretending to be my dad". She also says that her daddy (Brad) helped make her like he helped make Ophelia. If that doesn't speak volumes as to how she feels about her dad Brett and her daddy, I don't know what does.
The reason I take the time to write all of this down is because of the super secret news. A couple months back, Brad and I hired a lawyer to petition the courts to allow Brad to legally adopt Reilly. We had been keeping it a secret because Reilly's biological dad was a friend of mine on Facebook, as was his mom (Reilly's grandma) and I didn't want the information to leak out prematurely. However, as of August 16th, we had an official court date with the state of Hawaii and as of August 30th, Reilly's bio-dad was served with the same paperwork informing him of the court date. He has the choice to hire a lawyer, fly to Hawaii himself or call in during the hearing and testifying by phone.
Court will be held in Hawaii in the beginning of October. I am excited about this. Everything works out in our favor and we only have to hope that the judge feels the same way.
I know a lot of people probably have tons of questions...like "why didn't you force him to talk to her?" That's not my job. I can't FORCE someone to have a relationship with their child. I'm not in the business of making someone take responsibility for their children....I am in the business of being responsible for my kids and my family. And I am. I take care of Reilly, Ophelia and the little bebe. I take care of my house, cook everyone dinner, go grocery shopping, etc. Brad takes care of Reilly, Ophelia and me. He goes to work every day and brings home a paycheck. We take responsibility for ourselves and our kids. Reilly's biological dad just doesn't see the need to do that.
Some people might think I'm being mean...and that's okay. That's part of why I wrote out this novel of a blog post...so that I could put into words how the relationship between Reilly and her biological dad has been over the past five and a half years....so that people can see and try to understand why I am doing this.
I am basically just trying to do what is best for my kid. I am trying to give Reilly a stable household, with a real dad who cares about her. If Brad was allowed to adopt Reilly, what would change? Well, she would have his last name instead of Brett's for one. The way that the adoption would work is that it would be considered a "closed" adoption...he would not be able to have contact with Reilly until she was 18...a legal adult...and wanted to have contact with him. He would not get any information from me or Brad...pictures, emails, letters, etc about her. When we visit Washington, he would not be able to see her. This would also go for his mother and other family members (not like they give a shit anyway...99% of them have never even met Reilly). Of course, Brad and I would be open and honest with Reilly about everything...we would never blatantly lie to her. But I doubt we'll offer up the information without her wanting to know. She's a smart girl and she can tell when someone doesn't want to talk to her or be in her life.
I do feel lucky that while she is 5 and a smart girl, that's she's been so young through most of this. She hasn't really had to deal with her biological dad not talking to her. She doesn't ask questions anymore. She's kind of oblivious to the entire thing.
So there's that. I'll be trying to keep everyone updated as court goes along...I'm hoping it's short and sweet and not a hassle...
Oh. As an added fun time bonus. Reilly's biological dad and his mother both deleted me as their Facebook friend shortly after he was served with the court documents. So much for staying in contact for the kid huh? I wouldn't have had either of them on my friends list had it not been for Reilly, but chose to keep them around in case they wanted to easily get a hold of me.
Firstly, for those of you who don't know me personally, my husband is not Reilly's biological dad. I got pregnant with Reilly in 2005. It was a big surprise, as I was planning on getting back on birth control and not even bothering with the trying to make a baby for awhile. I was fine with that. But, turns out I was pregnant. No biggie. Pregnancy was easy enough. No complications. I ended up with a happy, healthy little girl born in March of 2006.
My relationship with her dad wasn't the greatest...we had our good times, but over all, it wasn't that great. I actually think it was pretty doomed from the start, but whatever...it was what it was. When I met my now husband in 2007, things just clicked. I was still "together" with Reilly's dad, but we were just going through the motions of life...at least I was. I had mentally "checked out" of the relationship and was pretty much sticking around just for the benefit of the kids (Reilly and her half siblings) so when I met my husband and we just clicked, I was outta there. I took Reilly and moved back in my parents and I started a relationship with my husband. Less than two months later, we were married and moving into our own little place for us to start a family.
Reilly and Brad took to each other like white on rice. They adored each other like crazy and it was like all the little pieces of the puzzle fit together. Reilly was happy and thriving and had someone who showed he cared about her in her life. Brad did things for Reilly that he didn't have to do, but did anyway. For instance, he added her to his health and dental insurance. And though that doesn't sound like a big deal, it really is....before, she was on the state health insurance and that was it.
Since I left her biological dad, things have gone down hill with their relationship. For awhile, she was seeing him on a regular basis and even spending the night there a couple times. But that didn't last very long...soon, other things became much too "important"....instead of spending time with his ever growing daughter, who was learning new things every day, he was out drinking with his friends and doing this or that. So Reilly spent the majority of her time with Brad and I, or "daddy" as she called him by then....which was fine with us. We went and did all the fun stuff that families did and enjoyed each others company. And Reilly and Brad had more and more time to bond.
So ever since the beginning of 2008, Reilly hasn't really had a relationship with her biological dad. After a couple months of being married, she stopped staying the night over there...then she stopped visiting every other weekend. Then it went to once a month...then MAYBE once a month. Then every couple months...there was one point in time where her bio-dad didn't actually SEE her for four months. That was made worse by the fact that in late 2009 he was in a accident that left him in a wheel chair. He was in the hospital for quite some time up in Seattle and while I brought her up there, it wasn't something I could do on a regular basis. When he got out of the hospital back home, I was certain that things were going to be different. I thought deep down that a near death experience would make him appreciate all that he had, including his three kids. I thought he was going to ask to see her more often so he could spend more time with her and get to know her a little bit better. He didn't know how smart she was...he best knew the 1 1/2 - 2 year old Reilly...not the 3 year old Reilly...and certainly not the 4 year old Reilly. He had no idea who she was as a person....what she liked or didn't like...what her favorite songs or movies were, or her favorite books. That didn't happen.
So then, we moved to Hawaii. Which we all knew would be a little more difficult....there's a two-three hour time difference, depending on the time of the year, thousands of miles -- which means we couldn't go back to visit whenever we wanted...our schedules changing...a new baby, Reilly starting school...there were so many things happening. I knew that it wouldn't be the same, but I thought that with at least that much space between Reilly and her biological dad, he would at least make the effort to talk to his daughter every couple of weeks or once a month.
Unfortunately, I was sadly mistaken. We moved to Hawaii in July 2010. I can count the number of times Reilly has physically talked to her biological dad on one hand. I can count the number of correspondences total in less than two. In a year. Would you like to know when the last time Reilly sat in front of a computer and Skyped with her biological dad was? December 15, 2010. Yes, you are doing your math right. It's been over 9 months since she said a word to him. Her birthday was the last time any contact was made at all (a birthday card was sent...no birthday phone call, nothing) which was at the end of March...which was 5 months ago. For comparisons sake...would you like to know the last time she talked to her Grandma on the phone? Yesterday. The last time they talked via webcam? A couple weeks ago. My mom has made two trips out here to see her...and while I know that isn't exactly possible for her dad, my mom also sends Reilly and Ophelia care packages on a pretty frequent basis. Brad's mom has also made a trip out here to visit, all the way from Ohio. Do we talk on the phone as often? No, but there's also a 6 hour time difference and Brad's mom and dad work all week. Reilly stills gets a chance to talk to them whenever she can.
Could you please tell me that you could go 5 months without even sending a card to your kid? Could you really go 8 months without telling your child "I love you"...or even a simple "hello"??
I've never asked for a penny from Reilly's biological dad. Brad and I have footed the bill for everything for her...new toys, new clothes, food, a place to live. We take her to the movies and the park and zoo. Just recently, we went school supplies shopping and we paid for her to ride the bus (which yes, it costs money here in Hawaii for her to ride the bus less than 5 miles a day.) We take care of her health and dental needs. I never asked for any money because: 1) I knew I wouldn't get it. 2) I didn't want to go to court to TRY to get it. 3) We didn't need it. Sure...more money always helps, but we weren't and aren't struggling to provide for our family. After his accident, Social Security was set up for Reilly because according to the state, she is entitled to it. And what exactly does the state deem her entitled to? $33 a month. Wanna know what THAT buys in Hawaii? Not much, let me tell you that. So every once in awhile we'll take the money out and spend it on this or that for Reilly, usually a new toy or a special treat for her...but that isn't going to cover a dental bill. That wouldn't even cover half of what it costs for her to ride the school bus for ONE quarter.
It's all very tiring for me as a mother. Reilly used to ask me questions about "when will my dad Brett talk to me"....but those questions have long since faded...I haven't heard her mention her biological dad in months. When she comes home from school, she wants to share her news with me and her daddy. Sometimes her Grandma and Grandpa or Nannie and Opa. Sometimes her Auntie Brooke and Uncle Steve. But never her dad Brett. I don't blame her. I wouldn't want to talk to someone who didn't want to talk to me either.
Reilly has told me many things over the months and years that would lead you to believe that even she doesn't consider her "dad Brett" her real dad. Firstly, she calls him "dad Brett"....not dad, not daddy, but "dad Brett". She's said this to me before: "my dad Brett is just pretending to be my dad". She also says that her daddy (Brad) helped make her like he helped make Ophelia. If that doesn't speak volumes as to how she feels about her dad Brett and her daddy, I don't know what does.
The reason I take the time to write all of this down is because of the super secret news. A couple months back, Brad and I hired a lawyer to petition the courts to allow Brad to legally adopt Reilly. We had been keeping it a secret because Reilly's biological dad was a friend of mine on Facebook, as was his mom (Reilly's grandma) and I didn't want the information to leak out prematurely. However, as of August 16th, we had an official court date with the state of Hawaii and as of August 30th, Reilly's bio-dad was served with the same paperwork informing him of the court date. He has the choice to hire a lawyer, fly to Hawaii himself or call in during the hearing and testifying by phone.
Court will be held in Hawaii in the beginning of October. I am excited about this. Everything works out in our favor and we only have to hope that the judge feels the same way.
I know a lot of people probably have tons of questions...like "why didn't you force him to talk to her?" That's not my job. I can't FORCE someone to have a relationship with their child. I'm not in the business of making someone take responsibility for their children....I am in the business of being responsible for my kids and my family. And I am. I take care of Reilly, Ophelia and the little bebe. I take care of my house, cook everyone dinner, go grocery shopping, etc. Brad takes care of Reilly, Ophelia and me. He goes to work every day and brings home a paycheck. We take responsibility for ourselves and our kids. Reilly's biological dad just doesn't see the need to do that.
Some people might think I'm being mean...and that's okay. That's part of why I wrote out this novel of a blog post...so that I could put into words how the relationship between Reilly and her biological dad has been over the past five and a half years....so that people can see and try to understand why I am doing this.
I am basically just trying to do what is best for my kid. I am trying to give Reilly a stable household, with a real dad who cares about her. If Brad was allowed to adopt Reilly, what would change? Well, she would have his last name instead of Brett's for one. The way that the adoption would work is that it would be considered a "closed" adoption...he would not be able to have contact with Reilly until she was 18...a legal adult...and wanted to have contact with him. He would not get any information from me or Brad...pictures, emails, letters, etc about her. When we visit Washington, he would not be able to see her. This would also go for his mother and other family members (not like they give a shit anyway...99% of them have never even met Reilly). Of course, Brad and I would be open and honest with Reilly about everything...we would never blatantly lie to her. But I doubt we'll offer up the information without her wanting to know. She's a smart girl and she can tell when someone doesn't want to talk to her or be in her life.
I do feel lucky that while she is 5 and a smart girl, that's she's been so young through most of this. She hasn't really had to deal with her biological dad not talking to her. She doesn't ask questions anymore. She's kind of oblivious to the entire thing.
So there's that. I'll be trying to keep everyone updated as court goes along...I'm hoping it's short and sweet and not a hassle...
Oh. As an added fun time bonus. Reilly's biological dad and his mother both deleted me as their Facebook friend shortly after he was served with the court documents. So much for staying in contact for the kid huh? I wouldn't have had either of them on my friends list had it not been for Reilly, but chose to keep them around in case they wanted to easily get a hold of me.
27 July, 2011
100 Words (or less) About Breastfeeding
Amber McCann posted on her blog a couple weeks ago about writing down your breastfeeding journey in 100 words are less. There are so many different things I could say about my breastfeeding journey with Ophelia...it has been an amazing journey.
So I decided to write 100 words (okay, it ended up being 92 words) about my breastfeeding journey. Like I said, I could say a ton about this journey...but I did limit myself.
I hope you enjoy!
100 Words About My Journey as a Breastfeeding Mother
So I decided to write 100 words (okay, it ended up being 92 words) about my breastfeeding journey. Like I said, I could say a ton about this journey...but I did limit myself.
I hope you enjoy!
100 Words About My Journey as a Breastfeeding Mother
Number one. Three months. I was disappointed in myself and my ability to push forward during the struggles I had. I promised myself I would do better. Number two. Ten months and counting. Still going strong through 11 weeks of surprise number three. Planning to wean earlier than previously planned, but still confident in making it to at least twelve months. Number three will be easy. Though now I dislike the familiar soreness and the sleepless nights of nursing while pregnant. Number three will be so lucky. As are one and two.
15 July, 2011
Am I Going to Have a Doula for Baby O #3?
So, as you are all aware, I found out I'm pregnant...again.
I went to the doctor for a dating ultrasound earlier this week, and as of today I am 9w4d pregnant.
I've been thinking about something since I found out I was pregnant.
Do I want a doula at the birth of baby number 3?
As a doula myself...I felt obligated. I felt like I would be looked down on as a doula if I did not have a doula at my own birth! When I was pregnant with Ophelia, I was so upset that I wasn't going to have a doula at my birth. I felt like I would be giving myself the best chance to get what I wanted during her birth if I did have a doula...but Brad did not want a doula present. And after a lot of conversation (and possibly a little arguing) we agreed not to have a doula at Ophelia's birth...we agreed to see how her birth went, and then would come back to the situation when I got pregnant again, depending on how we felt her birth went. I was still a little upset over it, but we had talked it out and we came to an agreement, and we both stood by our choice. Which was ultimately fine. I had a fantastic birth with Ophelia...even though not EVERYTHING went exactly 100% how I wanted it to, I was happy with what did happen. And really, the only things I would have changed, would have had nothing to do with a doula in the first place (like the fact that I did not want to stay in the hospital as long as I did).
So now that I'm pregnant and a doula, I've had to figure out what would be best for my family. As a doula, I encourage mamas and their partners to make the best choices for their families and follow their hearts with what they want to do. I encourage mamas and their partners to educate themselves about the birth process and procedures at their hospitals or birth centers.
So how do I feel about having a doula?
Not good. When I imagine having a doula at the birth of baby number three, I get anxious and uneasy. It doesn't make me feel good. After Reilly's birth, with so many people in the room with me as I was pushing her out, a huge number of people in the delivery room made me feel uneasy. Including myself, nurses and my midwife there were at least nine people in the room with me...that was too many. Even with Ophelia's birth....just Brad and I, the OB and some nurses was too much. Ultimately, I would like it to be me, Brad, a midwife and one nurse...tops. I think all the people are completely unnecessary. So why would I want to add a doula to the mix? I'm also not very comfortable with people *in general*. It depends...if I was back home...I would probably have my mom come doula for me...and even then, I still might not. I am one of those people who needs to be really comfortable with the people who are around me when I give birth. And a lot of that does have to do with my first birth...I felt very uncomfortable with at least one person in the room....and it has really bothered me all these years later.
I am also completely confident in my ability (and Brad's as well) to advocate for me. I'm very educated about what I want and need and what is acceptable and what to do in an emergency. I am willing to speak my mind (and Brad is too). We have come up with things to help us and not hurt us.
So, to answer the question posed earlier....do I want a doula at the birth of baby number three? No. I don't. Am I going to? No. I'm not.
I greatly appreciate the women who have allowed me to come into their lives and be present at the births of their children. I encourage mamas to get a doula if they feel like they need the extra support. I want women to be able to have the birth that they want, whether that means natural and intervention free or induction and pain relief. And I want the ability to birth how I want, without being chastised as a professional. I believe the best thing a woman can do for herself is to find a way to be empowered and well educated, as well as confident in her choice as a woman and a mother, and that is exactly what I am doing by not having a doula.
This is something that has honestly been weighing on my mind and my heart a lot. I seriously felt like I would be "black-listed" as a doula (with all those clients and all that pull I have in the community right? Heh.) for NOT having a doula. It caused me a lot of anxiety and I believe that if I did have a doula at the birth of this baby, I would be one of those women who just stopped labor/dilation/whatever because of how mentally uncomfortable I would be.
So I am not going to have a doula for the birth of my third baby....and this is the best choice for me, my husband, and my baby.
I went to the doctor for a dating ultrasound earlier this week, and as of today I am 9w4d pregnant.
I've been thinking about something since I found out I was pregnant.
Do I want a doula at the birth of baby number 3?
As a doula myself...I felt obligated. I felt like I would be looked down on as a doula if I did not have a doula at my own birth! When I was pregnant with Ophelia, I was so upset that I wasn't going to have a doula at my birth. I felt like I would be giving myself the best chance to get what I wanted during her birth if I did have a doula...but Brad did not want a doula present. And after a lot of conversation (and possibly a little arguing) we agreed not to have a doula at Ophelia's birth...we agreed to see how her birth went, and then would come back to the situation when I got pregnant again, depending on how we felt her birth went. I was still a little upset over it, but we had talked it out and we came to an agreement, and we both stood by our choice. Which was ultimately fine. I had a fantastic birth with Ophelia...even though not EVERYTHING went exactly 100% how I wanted it to, I was happy with what did happen. And really, the only things I would have changed, would have had nothing to do with a doula in the first place (like the fact that I did not want to stay in the hospital as long as I did).
So now that I'm pregnant and a doula, I've had to figure out what would be best for my family. As a doula, I encourage mamas and their partners to make the best choices for their families and follow their hearts with what they want to do. I encourage mamas and their partners to educate themselves about the birth process and procedures at their hospitals or birth centers.
So how do I feel about having a doula?
Not good. When I imagine having a doula at the birth of baby number three, I get anxious and uneasy. It doesn't make me feel good. After Reilly's birth, with so many people in the room with me as I was pushing her out, a huge number of people in the delivery room made me feel uneasy. Including myself, nurses and my midwife there were at least nine people in the room with me...that was too many. Even with Ophelia's birth....just Brad and I, the OB and some nurses was too much. Ultimately, I would like it to be me, Brad, a midwife and one nurse...tops. I think all the people are completely unnecessary. So why would I want to add a doula to the mix? I'm also not very comfortable with people *in general*. It depends...if I was back home...I would probably have my mom come doula for me...and even then, I still might not. I am one of those people who needs to be really comfortable with the people who are around me when I give birth. And a lot of that does have to do with my first birth...I felt very uncomfortable with at least one person in the room....and it has really bothered me all these years later.
I am also completely confident in my ability (and Brad's as well) to advocate for me. I'm very educated about what I want and need and what is acceptable and what to do in an emergency. I am willing to speak my mind (and Brad is too). We have come up with things to help us and not hurt us.
So, to answer the question posed earlier....do I want a doula at the birth of baby number three? No. I don't. Am I going to? No. I'm not.
I greatly appreciate the women who have allowed me to come into their lives and be present at the births of their children. I encourage mamas to get a doula if they feel like they need the extra support. I want women to be able to have the birth that they want, whether that means natural and intervention free or induction and pain relief. And I want the ability to birth how I want, without being chastised as a professional. I believe the best thing a woman can do for herself is to find a way to be empowered and well educated, as well as confident in her choice as a woman and a mother, and that is exactly what I am doing by not having a doula.
This is something that has honestly been weighing on my mind and my heart a lot. I seriously felt like I would be "black-listed" as a doula (with all those clients and all that pull I have in the community right? Heh.) for NOT having a doula. It caused me a lot of anxiety and I believe that if I did have a doula at the birth of this baby, I would be one of those women who just stopped labor/dilation/whatever because of how mentally uncomfortable I would be.
So I am not going to have a doula for the birth of my third baby....and this is the best choice for me, my husband, and my baby.
18 June, 2011
The Good News Just Keeps On Coming!
So I haven't been able to unveil my super secret news yet, but I do have some other fantastic news that I CAN share!
We found out a couple days ago that we're expecting little bebe #3!!
We're so excited....surprised...and a little nervous (at least I am), but excited none the less!
I promise to write more about it later, but right now I'm in the process of getting my house semi-put together...we JUST moved on post on Wednesday!
But I just thought I'd share the fantastic news (even though the super secret news has yet to be shared....*sigh*)
We found out a couple days ago that we're expecting little bebe #3!!
We're so excited....surprised...and a little nervous (at least I am), but excited none the less!
I promise to write more about it later, but right now I'm in the process of getting my house semi-put together...we JUST moved on post on Wednesday!
But I just thought I'd share the fantastic news (even though the super secret news has yet to be shared....*sigh*)
08 June, 2011
52 Week of Organizing
Somehow, I stumbled onto The Organizing Junkie's blog last night. Holy flippin cow I am in love with this website. She's doing a 52 weeks of organizing section on her blog. For those of you who haven't been to my house, its....dysfunctional to say the least. At any given time, I have about 10 piles of crap laying around the house that I just look and groan at when I walk by. I'm horrible at keeping things in their places and because of that, my house is constantly in disarray.
So I've decided to take her up on her 52 weeks of organizing challenge (I guess its a challenge...). The only thing is that, I'm going to wait until we move to start doing it. Which is a little frustrating because after reading all of this stuff, I wanna just do it NOW...but instead, I gotta pack up my goodies and get them ready to go to a new house.
In The Org Junkie's first post of the 52 weeks, she asks us, the readers, to write out a list of the 52 things we wanna do. I have a feeling that I'll be doing more than one a week, especially after Reilly starts going to school and I have one less kid to do things with during the day (I love doing things with her, it's just that she has a lot of energy!)
So I'll try to keep posted on my organizing and what not! I'm really excited to start doing this...just a bummer I gotta wait until next week!
The first 10 things I'm going to tackle (which will probably happen in a couple weeks instead of 10) are:
1. Go through & purge all unused kitchen tools, to include anything from big appliances to spoons.
2.Find homes for my cookbooks and start my recipe binder.
3.Organize my laundry room.
4. Stock all the bathrooms with soap, tp, towels, etc.
5.Organize my linen closet
6. Find a storage solution for our recycling
7. Storage for dog toys and other doggie goodies (food/treats/shampoo/etc)
8. Go through Ophelia's toys -- purge or clean
9. Storage solution for Ophelia's toys
10. Start making my house hold notebook
Look at all that fun stuff I get to do!!
I'm all the way up to 44 things to do so far, and organizing and keeping control of the clutter is an ongoing process. Cleaning, purging, making homes....I'm really bad at all of that. So I'm excited to start doing this and getting it all done. And luckily, I can break it down into multiple steps and days if I need to so its not so overwhelming. I get overwhelmed REALLY easily.
Check back in a week or two to see how I'm doing!
Speaking of moving, we get the keys to our new house next week and can start moving in immediately. Can't wait you guys!!
So I've decided to take her up on her 52 weeks of organizing challenge (I guess its a challenge...). The only thing is that, I'm going to wait until we move to start doing it. Which is a little frustrating because after reading all of this stuff, I wanna just do it NOW...but instead, I gotta pack up my goodies and get them ready to go to a new house.
In The Org Junkie's first post of the 52 weeks, she asks us, the readers, to write out a list of the 52 things we wanna do. I have a feeling that I'll be doing more than one a week, especially after Reilly starts going to school and I have one less kid to do things with during the day (I love doing things with her, it's just that she has a lot of energy!)
So I'll try to keep posted on my organizing and what not! I'm really excited to start doing this...just a bummer I gotta wait until next week!
The first 10 things I'm going to tackle (which will probably happen in a couple weeks instead of 10) are:
1. Go through & purge all unused kitchen tools, to include anything from big appliances to spoons.
2.Find homes for my cookbooks and start my recipe binder.
3.Organize my laundry room.
4. Stock all the bathrooms with soap, tp, towels, etc.
5.Organize my linen closet
6. Find a storage solution for our recycling
7. Storage for dog toys and other doggie goodies (food/treats/shampoo/etc)
8. Go through Ophelia's toys -- purge or clean
9. Storage solution for Ophelia's toys
10. Start making my house hold notebook
Look at all that fun stuff I get to do!!
I'm all the way up to 44 things to do so far, and organizing and keeping control of the clutter is an ongoing process. Cleaning, purging, making homes....I'm really bad at all of that. So I'm excited to start doing this and getting it all done. And luckily, I can break it down into multiple steps and days if I need to so its not so overwhelming. I get overwhelmed REALLY easily.
Check back in a week or two to see how I'm doing!
Speaking of moving, we get the keys to our new house next week and can start moving in immediately. Can't wait you guys!!
06 June, 2011
Don't Be A Negative Nancy
The other day, I had the displeasure of getting into an argument with someone...a friend of my husband's....over doulas. She is a nurse. She went to nursing school, and as far as I am aware, she is currently working as a nurse somewhere over in the Midwest.
Before I go any further in my little rant, I need to make something clear. Just because I am a doula and a natural birth advocate does not mean I am anti-nurse/doctor/medicine. I have a lot of respect for doctors and nurses. They have worked very hard to get where they are. I do not think that medical interventions are always unnecessary. The majority? Maybe. Even half the time? Quite possibly. I am obviously speaking of pregnancy and childbirth only) But I am very thankful that we live in a day and age where we have the tools necessary for emergencies. I am of the opinion that doctors have turned childbirth into a completely medicalized process, treating it as a disease instead of something natural. And however I may feel about some nurses and doctors on a personal level (for instance, I am not a big fan of the head nurse and OB who attended Ophelia's birth) does not carry over into how I feel about nurses and doctors on a professional level. And while I'm on the subject, I am a natural birth advocate, and I believe that if a woman is making an informed choice on her terms instead of a doctors, she has the right to make whatever choice she desires. I personally want women to be informed about what they do to their bodies.
That being said....this is what started the whole debacle:
Phew. Is anyone else irritated by this statement? Or is it just me? As a woman who has given birth two times myself, and has many, many friends who have given birth, I just would like to call bullshit. For the record, the woman I am discussing has never been pregnant or given birth. Lets see...with my first baby, no nurse explained to me what was going on before or during labor. They just told me to do things...."pee in this cup"..."put this on"...."lay like this". Hands on? No. With my second birth, no nurse did anything "hands on"....unless you consider hands on putting an EFM on my stomach, asking me when I wanted to get my epidural, then making snarky comments when I said I wanted a natural childbirth. Then ignoring my requests after Ophelia was born. Yup. Hands.On. Also, I am unsure of any LC who is staffed at a hospital who makes house calls...though maybe there are some...who knows.
I personally, have never had a nurse advocate for me. I have had them make snarky, condescending comments, but not make recommendations based on what I want, or advocate for me in any way. I know they are out there. I do. I know a couple of women who are nurses and who are caring and compassionate women, and I would assume that personality carries over into their career. With that being said, I have seen very few labor and delivery nurses advocate for a patient. I've read a blog of a L&D nurse and she talks about how difficult it is to advocate for a patient. (I cannot find the blog right now, but I'm looking, I swear.) I can understand why it would be difficult to advocate for laboring women. Every other place in a hospital is filled with people who are sick, have diseases, or are dying. Except the Labor & Delivery ward. L&D is just filled with mommies having babies, which they have been doing for thousands and thousands of years. As I stated earlier, I believe that childbirth is over-medicalized. According to the CDC the cesarean rate was 32%, which, according to the WHO, should only be 10-15%....which means about half of all the c-sections performed each year are unnecessary.
For the record, I am not sure where in a hospital this nurse works.
Again, I personally have never had a nurse advocate for me. A lot of mama's I know who have delivered in a hospital have disliked at least one of their nurses, if not the majority of their nursing staff. I have read stories of L&D nurses all but being forced to perform unnecessary interventions or procedures on patients that those patients do not want. I have read stories of doctors who do not care what the patient, support person (husband), or nurse says, and do whatever they want anyway. Doulas may not have gone to school for 4 years. Doulas may not be able to give medical advice.
To me, this is not only an attack on my job but an attack on me personally. I have read numerous books and studies about labor and childbirth. I know the deal. I know what is necessary and when, and what is not. I have not witnessed many OB/GYNs who practice evidence based care (though that does not mean they aren't out there). I personally do not believe that doctors view birth as "something natural" but a problem they can fix...I know my attending OB at Ophelia's birth didn't...the look on her face when I told her I wasn't moving and was going to push instead made it very apparent that she had never seen a natural childbirth before. I'm a lot of nurses view birth as natural, but that doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. Nurses are nurses, plain and simple. They are overworked and underpaid and have a lot of shit to do on their shifts. They have more patients than they can handle sometimes. They do their best. I truly believe that nurses want to do what is best for their patient...but it doesn't always happen. While technically nurses are not employed by the doctors, they ultimately fall under doctor rule, and often times have to do things that they aren't comfortable with. Not listening to a doctor can have its consequences when you have to work with them on an almost daily basis.
For the record, googling stuff DOES count as long as you are getting your information from reliable resources. Just for the record.
I was so angry. I still am a little irritated. Not only was what I want to do with my life (right now) attacked, but I felt personally attacked as well. Have I gone to 4 years of nursing school? No. I haven't....not yet anyway. But I never claimed to know everything. I know a lot more than a lot of pregnant women about the body, labor and childbirth, but I do not know everything. Being a doula means you are continually learning...just like being a nurse or a doctor. Can I give medical recommendations? No I can't. But I can give my clients the information that I know that has been published by doctors, midwives and other professionals. I'm not saying a doula is for everyone either. I'm not bashing women as a whole or the choices they make. I feel that every woman has the right to do whatever she wants to do to her body, which is also why I'm Pro-Choice. If a woman gets pregnant, and decides right off the bat that they don't want to feel any pain at all, I will make try to make sure that they understand the risks and benefits, but I will not belittle them for getting an epidural...it's not my place at all. I will birth how I feel is best for me and you will do the same.
The nurse that this happened with....I would never feel comfortable having her as my nurse, which is my right as a patient. I have personal issues (aside from this whole thing) with this person that I will not get into, but it is frustrating when someone basically says your job is obsolete and makes cracks about how educated you are (or aren't). And it makes me hurt for the pregnant women. Some hospitals (I know of at least one in Ohio -- and that's almost a different post in and of itself...and is mostly the fault of doulas overstepping their boundaries and trying to play doctor) that have banned doulas all together. Having a doula at a hospital birth has been proven to cause less stress on mom and have less interventions take place, both of which are needed at hospitals.
I feel like I'm making myself look like I'm digging on nurses. I'm not. As I said earlier, I have a great deal of respect for nurses. The nurses I know have worked long and hard, missing out on spending time with their families, to get where they are. And I respect that greatly. I know what is in store for me when I go to nursing school. What I am digging on is ignorance and what I perceive as woman on woman hating. It happens a lot in the birthing community because everyone feels like their way is the best way and that women who do differently are putting them down (for instance, scheduled c-sections vs. natural childbirth, formula vs. breast, etc.). I try to get my point across without telling anyone they are "doing it wrong", but before you start talking shit, please understand that there are many women who don't believe the same thing you do. The attitude this person had (which was very defensive) made it seem like she thought doulas were out to take her job. Which is absolutely not what doulas are trying to do. I don't sit back and talk shit about things I know nothing about. I would hope that other women would educate themselves (just because you go to nursing school doesn't mean they teach you about doulas or you know e-ver-y-thing) before they bash other women. And just because you (the collective 'you') think something is unimportant, does not mean that others feel the same. Doulas have always been a very important part of childbirth. They may not have always been as popular as they used to be, but they have always been important. Having that support is very important to have...whether if be from a Doula, a spouse, a friend or relative, it's important.
I hope I've been able to convey my frustration in a pleasant manner. I tried not to talk shit, or go into 'bitch mode', and I hope I've accomplished that. I will say again, I truly respect nurses and what they do. They are a very important part of our lives. I am not trying to be the nurse when I go into the hospital to doula for someone. Nurses are nurses and I am a doula, and that's the way it will always be.
I don't want to go into this too much, but I attended a birth a little over a week ago. My first one. I was nervous as all hell, my palms were sweating as I walked into the labor room. I introduced myself to the nurses. I feel like I did an okay job. I wasn't too sure of myself, but mama was strong and she did wonderfully. Her little boy is adorable. I had no problems with any of the L&D staff. It was an amazing first experience. As I left the little family to get to know each other, I teared up a little bit as I started my car. Nothing horrible happened, mama and daddy were enjoying their new son and I didn't feel like stabbing any nurses or doctors. That's how it should be. It won't always be that way, but that's how it should be.
I really do hope I've gotten across my disgust for ignorance without coming off as a "know it all". I don't know it all. I don't claim to be something I'm not. I am just frustrated with the lack of understanding. It's frustrating to me to think that THIS is part of the reasons that doulas are looked down upon. Why we are not totally accepted in today's society. It makes me sad. I hope I've not offended anyone either...my friends and family are very important to me, as well as my readers, and really, I don't want to offend anyone. If I wanted to offend you, I would try harder. Heh.
And thanks for reading all the way through if you made it this far. This was upsetting to me when it happened last week and writing about it has made me feel much better. My best friend told me that there will always be people who make these kinds of comments. And I am seriously thankful that I have more supportive people in my life than not. I hope that by being a good doula and a good person, I can change the minds of those who are "doula haters"....because every woman needs to feel comfortable while she's having a baby, and a doula-hating nurse and a doula do not mix.
Before I go any further in my little rant, I need to make something clear. Just because I am a doula and a natural birth advocate does not mean I am anti-nurse/doctor/medicine. I have a lot of respect for doctors and nurses. They have worked very hard to get where they are. I do not think that medical interventions are always unnecessary. The majority? Maybe. Even half the time? Quite possibly. I am obviously speaking of pregnancy and childbirth only) But I am very thankful that we live in a day and age where we have the tools necessary for emergencies. I am of the opinion that doctors have turned childbirth into a completely medicalized process, treating it as a disease instead of something natural. And however I may feel about some nurses and doctors on a personal level (for instance, I am not a big fan of the head nurse and OB who attended Ophelia's birth) does not carry over into how I feel about nurses and doctors on a professional level. And while I'm on the subject, I am a natural birth advocate, and I believe that if a woman is making an informed choice on her terms instead of a doctors, she has the right to make whatever choice she desires. I personally want women to be informed about what they do to their bodies.
That being said....this is what started the whole debacle:
I have never seen a doula around here. Interesting. We the nurses do all of the before and after teaching and are very hands on through the delivery process. We also have lactation consultants (also nurses) come in and will go to women's homes. So I am not really seeing the point unless it's a home birth.
Phew. Is anyone else irritated by this statement? Or is it just me? As a woman who has given birth two times myself, and has many, many friends who have given birth, I just would like to call bullshit. For the record, the woman I am discussing has never been pregnant or given birth. Lets see...with my first baby, no nurse explained to me what was going on before or during labor. They just told me to do things...."pee in this cup"..."put this on"...."lay like this". Hands on? No. With my second birth, no nurse did anything "hands on"....unless you consider hands on putting an EFM on my stomach, asking me when I wanted to get my epidural, then making snarky comments when I said I wanted a natural childbirth. Then ignoring my requests after Ophelia was born. Yup. Hands.On. Also, I am unsure of any LC who is staffed at a hospital who makes house calls...though maybe there are some...who knows.
We make recommendations, advocate for the patient based on our medical knowledge that we went to college for, not just by taking a course.
I personally, have never had a nurse advocate for me. I have had them make snarky, condescending comments, but not make recommendations based on what I want, or advocate for me in any way. I know they are out there. I do. I know a couple of women who are nurses and who are caring and compassionate women, and I would assume that personality carries over into their career. With that being said, I have seen very few labor and delivery nurses advocate for a patient. I've read a blog of a L&D nurse and she talks about how difficult it is to advocate for a patient. (I cannot find the blog right now, but I'm looking, I swear.) I can understand why it would be difficult to advocate for laboring women. Every other place in a hospital is filled with people who are sick, have diseases, or are dying. Except the Labor & Delivery ward. L&D is just filled with mommies having babies, which they have been doing for thousands and thousands of years. As I stated earlier, I believe that childbirth is over-medicalized. According to the CDC the cesarean rate was 32%, which, according to the WHO, should only be 10-15%....which means about half of all the c-sections performed each year are unnecessary.
For the record, I am not sure where in a hospital this nurse works.
We are the patients' advocates and have the medical knowledge to back it up. Any nurse without a backbone to stand up for their patient doesn't need to be a nurse! We don't work for or have to answer to the drs. I have many times told drs what my patient wants or doesn't want. Now I see shy doulas are used so little, lack of medical knowledge.
Again, I personally have never had a nurse advocate for me. A lot of mama's I know who have delivered in a hospital have disliked at least one of their nurses, if not the majority of their nursing staff. I have read stories of L&D nurses all but being forced to perform unnecessary interventions or procedures on patients that those patients do not want. I have read stories of doctors who do not care what the patient, support person (husband), or nurse says, and do whatever they want anyway. Doulas may not have gone to school for 4 years. Doulas may not be able to give medical advice.
I would LOVE to know where you get your evidence based research. Googling something don't count. Any one or two studies with a handful of participants isn't grounds for evidence based. Do your research on evidence based practice. In layman terms it means MULTIPLE studies were done to show the best, most effective and safest way to do something. Get on CINHL and then talk to me about evidence based research. Good luck in educating yourself. I am pretty sure drs and nurses view birth as something natural.
To me, this is not only an attack on my job but an attack on me personally. I have read numerous books and studies about labor and childbirth. I know the deal. I know what is necessary and when, and what is not. I have not witnessed many OB/GYNs who practice evidence based care (though that does not mean they aren't out there). I personally do not believe that doctors view birth as "something natural" but a problem they can fix...I know my attending OB at Ophelia's birth didn't...the look on her face when I told her I wasn't moving and was going to push instead made it very apparent that she had never seen a natural childbirth before. I'm a lot of nurses view birth as natural, but that doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. Nurses are nurses, plain and simple. They are overworked and underpaid and have a lot of shit to do on their shifts. They have more patients than they can handle sometimes. They do their best. I truly believe that nurses want to do what is best for their patient...but it doesn't always happen. While technically nurses are not employed by the doctors, they ultimately fall under doctor rule, and often times have to do things that they aren't comfortable with. Not listening to a doctor can have its consequences when you have to work with them on an almost daily basis.
For the record, googling stuff DOES count as long as you are getting your information from reliable resources. Just for the record.
I was so angry. I still am a little irritated. Not only was what I want to do with my life (right now) attacked, but I felt personally attacked as well. Have I gone to 4 years of nursing school? No. I haven't....not yet anyway. But I never claimed to know everything. I know a lot more than a lot of pregnant women about the body, labor and childbirth, but I do not know everything. Being a doula means you are continually learning...just like being a nurse or a doctor. Can I give medical recommendations? No I can't. But I can give my clients the information that I know that has been published by doctors, midwives and other professionals. I'm not saying a doula is for everyone either. I'm not bashing women as a whole or the choices they make. I feel that every woman has the right to do whatever she wants to do to her body, which is also why I'm Pro-Choice. If a woman gets pregnant, and decides right off the bat that they don't want to feel any pain at all, I will make try to make sure that they understand the risks and benefits, but I will not belittle them for getting an epidural...it's not my place at all. I will birth how I feel is best for me and you will do the same.
The nurse that this happened with....I would never feel comfortable having her as my nurse, which is my right as a patient. I have personal issues (aside from this whole thing) with this person that I will not get into, but it is frustrating when someone basically says your job is obsolete and makes cracks about how educated you are (or aren't). And it makes me hurt for the pregnant women. Some hospitals (I know of at least one in Ohio -- and that's almost a different post in and of itself...and is mostly the fault of doulas overstepping their boundaries and trying to play doctor) that have banned doulas all together. Having a doula at a hospital birth has been proven to cause less stress on mom and have less interventions take place, both of which are needed at hospitals.
I feel like I'm making myself look like I'm digging on nurses. I'm not. As I said earlier, I have a great deal of respect for nurses. The nurses I know have worked long and hard, missing out on spending time with their families, to get where they are. And I respect that greatly. I know what is in store for me when I go to nursing school. What I am digging on is ignorance and what I perceive as woman on woman hating. It happens a lot in the birthing community because everyone feels like their way is the best way and that women who do differently are putting them down (for instance, scheduled c-sections vs. natural childbirth, formula vs. breast, etc.). I try to get my point across without telling anyone they are "doing it wrong", but before you start talking shit, please understand that there are many women who don't believe the same thing you do. The attitude this person had (which was very defensive) made it seem like she thought doulas were out to take her job. Which is absolutely not what doulas are trying to do. I don't sit back and talk shit about things I know nothing about. I would hope that other women would educate themselves (just because you go to nursing school doesn't mean they teach you about doulas or you know e-ver-y-thing) before they bash other women. And just because you (the collective 'you') think something is unimportant, does not mean that others feel the same. Doulas have always been a very important part of childbirth. They may not have always been as popular as they used to be, but they have always been important. Having that support is very important to have...whether if be from a Doula, a spouse, a friend or relative, it's important.
I hope I've been able to convey my frustration in a pleasant manner. I tried not to talk shit, or go into 'bitch mode', and I hope I've accomplished that. I will say again, I truly respect nurses and what they do. They are a very important part of our lives. I am not trying to be the nurse when I go into the hospital to doula for someone. Nurses are nurses and I am a doula, and that's the way it will always be.
I don't want to go into this too much, but I attended a birth a little over a week ago. My first one. I was nervous as all hell, my palms were sweating as I walked into the labor room. I introduced myself to the nurses. I feel like I did an okay job. I wasn't too sure of myself, but mama was strong and she did wonderfully. Her little boy is adorable. I had no problems with any of the L&D staff. It was an amazing first experience. As I left the little family to get to know each other, I teared up a little bit as I started my car. Nothing horrible happened, mama and daddy were enjoying their new son and I didn't feel like stabbing any nurses or doctors. That's how it should be. It won't always be that way, but that's how it should be.
I really do hope I've gotten across my disgust for ignorance without coming off as a "know it all". I don't know it all. I don't claim to be something I'm not. I am just frustrated with the lack of understanding. It's frustrating to me to think that THIS is part of the reasons that doulas are looked down upon. Why we are not totally accepted in today's society. It makes me sad. I hope I've not offended anyone either...my friends and family are very important to me, as well as my readers, and really, I don't want to offend anyone. If I wanted to offend you, I would try harder. Heh.
And thanks for reading all the way through if you made it this far. This was upsetting to me when it happened last week and writing about it has made me feel much better. My best friend told me that there will always be people who make these kinds of comments. And I am seriously thankful that I have more supportive people in my life than not. I hope that by being a good doula and a good person, I can change the minds of those who are "doula haters"....because every woman needs to feel comfortable while she's having a baby, and a doula-hating nurse and a doula do not mix.
03 June, 2011
Yes. I'm an Atheist.
Atheism is, in a broad sense, the rejection of belief in the existence of deities.[1] In a narrower sense, atheism is specifically the position that there are no deities.[2] Most inclusively, atheism is simply the absence of belief that any deities exist.[3] Atheism is contrasted with theism,[4][5] which in its most general form is the belief that at least one deity exists
That description is taken straight from Wikipedia (so excuse the links and the notations). I am an Atheist. I do not believe in any God. I do not practice anything religious. I do not celebrate religious holidays (how they are celebrated for any particular religion.) I celebrate Christmas, which to me, is a holiday of giving and spending time with your friends and family, not Jesus' birthday. I celebrate Easter, with egg dying and candy, not the rising of Jesus from the dead. I do not attend church or read from a bible of any sort. We do own two religious books. Da Jesus Book and The Qur'an.
I became an Atheist about 10 years ago. My parents went to church before I was born. I was blessed or something after I was born (not baptized). I went to a Christian school for preschool and kindergarten. After a long break from church, I started going to church with my mom on a weekly basis. There was a time when I thought I believed in God, but I wasn't sure. There was a lot of back and forth on my part with religion. There were too many unanswered questions and I wasn't too keen on listening to some guy in the sky that no one had ever seen. I didn't like the idea of living my life as dictated by some people who wrote a book. I was conflicted in the fact that this book and these people said things were a certain way, yet science has proven time and time again that things were a completely different way. After my mom said I didn't have to go to church with her anymore (I was notorious for falling asleep during the sermon) I continued to try to have faith. I read my teen bible that my mom had bought me. I continued to try to believe in something I couldn't see.
Ultimately, I came to my own conclusion that I was not a Christian. I did not believe in God. In fact, I did not believe that any deity existed...in any shape or form.
Another reason I am put off by religion, especially Christianity, is because of the...well...let's face it...the nut jobs like the Westboro Baptist Church. The people who believe that their way is the only right way. The people who kill and harass other people because of their life style or their religious beliefs. The people who disrespect people who don't have the same beliefs as they do. Those people turn me off from Christianity and religion. The people who believe that gays and lesbians aren't entitled to the same treatment as heterosexuals. The people who believe life starts at conception and that abortion should be illegal. The racists. The pedophiles. The people who use religion as an excuse to do horrible things. (Please note that I am all for people having opinions...what I am NOT all for is people using the bible to make ridiculous accusations and hate on people for NO REASON.)
I am not saying that religious people are inherently bad. Both my mom and mother in law are Christians. I love and respect them both. Personally, I think my mom is epitome of a good Christian woman. I really do. And I love and respect her for that. I don't tell her on the phone that being a Christian is stupid, because I respect her and her right as a person to believe what she wants. While she may not like my choices or beliefs, she does not disrespect me. She doesn't tell me that I'm ridiculous for believing there is no God.
There is a certain stigma behind being an Atheist. Most Christians think that Atheists are bad people. That we have no morals. I can tell you that is not the case. Sure, some Atheists are bad. So are some Christians....along with Muslims, Hindus, Catholics, and Wiccans. Bad people are just bad people, but not entire religious groups. I try my hardest to live a moral life...I don't cheat on my taxes (though that's mostly in part because I have no taxes to cheat on since I don't work. Ha!), I don't go around stealing or assaulting people. I think I'm a generally nice person...though I do have a tendency to get a little irritated when people are ignorant and I put my foot down and make my opinions known....but that's not because I'm an Atheist, that's because I have a lot of opinions. I try to raise my kids to be happy, healthy individuals who can contribute to society.
“No, I don't know that atheists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered as patriots. This is one nation under God.” -- George H.W. Bush
That's my deal. I'm an Atheist. I try to be the best person I can be. And I'm sorry if you think that me not believing in God is offensive. It is not my intention to try to offend you....and if you are offended by my lack of faith, then maybe you should do a little more soul searching and get better acquainted with yours. Personally, I believe that if you are offended by the fact that I am an Atheist, then you aren't very secure in your religion.
The bottom line? Please show me some respect. No, your preaching and telling me this or that about God isn't going to magically make me a believer. Telling me that I'm wrong or that I'm going to hell isn't going to make me a believer. In fact, the likelihood that I will stop talking to you is significantly higher if you do these things. I don't tell you that there is absolutely no God because I believe that religion is something that people need to come to their own conclusions about. I respect your right as a person to believe whatever you want, and I would expect the same from you. I won't pretend that I'm not an Atheist. I am an Atheist through and through...I even got a tattoo....its on my arm for all to see. It says "infidel" in Arabic.
in·fi·del (n
f
l, -d
l
)
n.1. Offensive An unbeliever with respect to a particular religion, especially Christianity or Islam.2. One who has no religious beliefs.3. One who doubts or rejects a particular doctrine, system, or principle.
I am an Atheist, and very proud of it.
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