Court is Today

So today is the day. Court day. If you've been paying attention to the ongoing court situation (part 1 and part 2) today is the day of our hearing. We are actually going to go to court, sit in front of a judge, have him/her look over our case and decide what would be the best course of action in petitioning for Brad to legally adopt Reilly.

We haven't heard anything from Reilly's natural father (no text messages, phone calls, Facebook messages, emails, etc) or from anyone who could possibly be representing him...though I've gotten a hint from his facebook (a mutual friend...well...a friend of mine really...pointed out his current status that asks his friends to cross their fingers for him) that he may be at least calling in. I don't believe there is any chance that he will actually show up...but there's a chance that he'll be present. Though, I can't imagine why....he hasn't spoken to her in 10 months.

Yes...I keep reiterating that. I keep saying that he doesn't talk to her or he doesn't email her or ask to talk to her. I have to. While I've said that I completely understand if people want to take sides, I need the people who take HIS side to understand that I didn't wake up one morning and think "hmm! How can I fuck him over today?!" -- it's not like that. This hasn't been a problem for days or weeks, this has been a problem for years. This isn't that I'm just being mean. I'm trying to protect MY child from disappointment. I want people...especially people who know him...to understand that this isn't some fucking pitty party that needs to be thrown. I expect good, quality people to want to be involved in their child's life, regardless of where that child is. I live thousands and thousands of miles away from my parents and I still keep in contact with them. Even when I was a bitter, angsty teenager I had a better relationship with my parents (who I "hated") than he does with his daughter. And there are so many things out there now -- she has her own laptop with a webcam on it that I would be more than happy to download Skype on so she could sit in the play room and have a conversation with her natural father. But instead, he chooses not to.

I woke up this morning excited. My friend informed me of his status (remember, the one asking for fingers to be crossed). I got nervous...well...more nervous than I was previously. Court is always nerve wracking. But the more I think about it, the less nervous I decided I was...I know that Brad and I have done everything we possibly can for Reilly -- emotionally, mentally, physically and monetarily....but I'm angry. I'm angry at Brett for thinking he deserves some kind of sympathy from his friends and family when it's his fault that he doesn't have s relationship with his daughter. I'm angry that he thinks he deserves to even have a relationship with her now.

People say that DNA doesn't make a daddy. My husband is proof of that. Will he ever be biologically related to Reilly? No. But, he doesn't need to have the same DNA as her to be her dad. He has proven time and time and time again that he is up for the responsibility (in every single way) of taking care of her for....well....basically ever! Because of Brett's disability, he is at home almost all the time. He continually has access to a computer with a webcam and Skype. He also has access to a phone. He has the time. But instead of taking 20 minutes of out his day to talk to his daughter...to ask how school was...or what she's learning...or ask her what she can read all by herself...or who her friends are......he plays facebook games or WoW, or reads comic books.

You know what Brad does when Reilly gets home from school? He helps her with her homework. We all talk about what happened during the day.

So that's my pre-court "rant" of sorts. I'm not nervous. I'm confident that Brad and I are the best parents for Reilly. I am confident that her natural father doesn't have a leg to stand on. I'm confident that today will go in our favor. But I'm still nervous as hell.

And for everyone who thinks they are doing anyone a favor by feeling sorry for him...the only person you are doing a favor for is him. He needs someone to feel sorry for him. But this court hearing isn't about HIM. It's not about ME or BRAD or any one else. The only person it is about, is REILLY. And what is going to benefit HER in the long run. And what she's been through. And who has been there for her. And who WILL be there for her in the next weeks, months and years. Not who's DNA she's made out of.


I'll update everyone later about how it went.




Okay...now I'm nervous.


<3

100 Words (or less) About Breastfeeding

Amber McCann posted on her blog a couple weeks ago about writing down your breastfeeding journey in 100 words are less. There are so many different things I could say about my breastfeeding journey with Ophelia...it has been an amazing journey. 


So I decided to write 100 words (okay, it ended up being 92 words) about my breastfeeding journey. Like I said, I could say a ton about this journey...but I did limit myself.

I hope you enjoy!


100 Words About My Journey as a Breastfeeding Mother

Number one. Three months. I was disappointed in myself and my ability to push forward during the struggles I had. I promised myself I would do better. Number two. Ten months and counting. Still going strong through 11 weeks of surprise number three. Planning to wean earlier than previously planned, but still confident in making it to at least twelve months. Number three will be easy. Though now I dislike the familiar soreness and the sleepless nights of nursing while pregnant. Number three will be so lucky. As are one and two.

I am so in love...

I lay here in bed with my week old daughter on my chest and I just want to cry. I want to cry, not out of sadness or regret, but out of happiness and love. I am so in love with my new daughter, it is ridiculous. It's hard to put into words how happy I am right now. One of the things that I worried about with getting pregnant and having another baby was if I was going to be able to love another baby as much as I love my Reilly Roo. But I can. And I do. This little girl makes my heart swell, even when she cries. Even when I'm sleep deprived.

I feel a little bad. I feel like I failed as a new mom with Reilly after having Ophelia. I wasn't in a good place emotionally. I felt for a very long time that I didn't have the support from Reilly's dad that I needed. I had a full time job after Reilly was born, and watching her wasn't the only thing I was doing. I wasn't sleeping, and when I did, it wasn't good sleep. I was very frustrated when she was a baby. I have so much more support with Ophelia, and I feel like I can enjoy her as an infant. Brad has been such an amazing support with, not just Ophelia now, but with my whole pregnancy. He understood that I was tired a lot and that I had a hard time doing things. He was so supportive while I was in labor...he believed in me. He's been amazing since we've been home from the hospital, making dinner, doing chores, and just in general, helping out when I need it. He's supportive of my breastfeeding too, which I adore. He helps with Reilly and helps her feel not so alone, because lets face it, adding a new baby to a balanced household will turn it upside down!

We're all still getting adjusted, and it gets easier every day...not just for me, but for all of us. I'm more energetic because I had a non-medicated, all natural child birth. I WANT to do things, even though I try to take it easy. Reilly is getting better at understanding that Ophelia doesn't care about her toys or her games....yet...but that doesn't mean that she won't soon. Brad is adjusting to our sleep schedule. I have no doubt that this will be the easiest thing that we've done in a long time.


I am so in love right now. With my baby, my princess, and my husband. I feel so close to him right now. I look at Ophelia and I wonder how we got something so amazing. I look at Reilly and know how lucky we are to have such an amazing, smart, funny little lady. I can't imagine being anywhere else in my life right now. I remember being depressed with Reilly -- enough that I was put on anti-depressants. And while I'm emotional right now, I'm not sad. I'm not depressed. I'm happy. I am so happy.



I haven't blogged in awhile. I've been at a loss of things to say. I wanted to complain so much about my worries about giving birth at a military hospital with a doctor that I didn't know. I was frustrated about being in Hawaii and not liking it and wanting to move so badly. I wanted to complain about how all I wanted was a beer and a cigarette. I was a negative person for a little bit. I was stressed and sad and frustrated. It's not that I wasn't happy, but all those other things took place of any good feelings I could have had. I haven't been stressed at all lately. Even the last couple weeks of my pregnancy...even when I was ready for her to come into the world, I wasn't upset as much, or stressed, I was just ready for her to be here.


My life is perfect right now. Sure, I don't really want to be living in Hawaii. Sure, we have a couple bills that we might be stretching money over. We have stress in our every day life just like anyone else. But right now, none of that is as important as how much I am in love with my family right now. I don't need anything else. We could be living in a box tomorrow and I wouldn't care. (Okay, I would, but you get it.) My two girls are the lights of my life. They are the most amazing and gorgeous little ladies in my life. They are gonna cause trouble in a couple of years. :)

I have the most amazing husband who I love with a passion. I couldn't have asked for a better person to live my life with.

This is amazing.

the end is near...

Well, we've kicked off our final month in Washington. I honestly never thought I'd see the day I'd ACTUALLY be leaving here. It's a little bitter sweet to tell you the truth. I've gotten so accustomed to having my parents, siblings and best friend only minutes away that I seriously don't know what I'm going to do with myself other wise. As long as I can remember, I have been telling my parents that I want to get outta Washington. I want to move somewhere where its warm and sunny (like California) or ridiculously exciting (like New York, or a foreign country), but after having Reilly, the likelihood of me actually leaving the state with her in tow was pretty much doubtful. But now that we will be basically forced to move every 3 years or so, I have the chance to live in different places! And the stability to be able to do it. Right now my main concern is Reilly getting adjusted to the new surroundings, and the fact that everyone she knows won't be right down the street. But there are some good things for her to look forward too, like the fact that she'll be starting school in Hawaii (preschool just a couple months after we get there) and she'll get to see the beaches and the turtles and all kinds of cool stuff that most kids won't see in their young lives. Of course it'll be an adjustment, and I imagine more than one night of her crying saying she misses her neighborhood in Washington and wants to go back to her house, but I think that after we get her room put back together, and get into the swing of things, all will be better. We're all excited about it....just Reilly and I will have to make the adjustments. And my parents/family/friends. Brad's done it before, so its really nothing new to him. Jerk. HA!


So I'm 26 weeks officially today. Time seems to be completely flying by right now. Of course, that always happens in the second trimester...time just flies by and you look around and say "wtf just happened?!" I have 98 days left (as of today) and a week until I'm in my third trimester. It just seems like I have so little time left before I have this little girl, and I'm not sure what at all I should do. I still have quite a few things I need to get, and right now, it looks like I'm just going to be buying as I go while we're still in Washington, and hope that we can get a house and settled and my parents will be alright with shipping things to me. Or just wait and see what I can get over there. I seriously have one box of baby things -- clothes, diapers, etc....and I don't feel like that's enough. I'm trying to rack my brain for how much shit I had when Reilly was born, but I don't at all remember. Luckily, the weekend before we had all our things packed up, we went out and were able to get a bouncy seat, swing, and pack n play to use as a bassinet. So that I'm pretty relieved about. It's just that the next month and a half or so are going to be pretty hectic and stress-filled for me, and when that happens, I just keep stressing and stressing and stressing and eventually I'll probably break down and cry. I'll stress about things that I seriously DON'T need to stress out about and the mental breakdown just continues from there. It's always the worst when I'm pregnant, but I'm like this anyway. It's ridiculously irritating.....back on topic. I had my follow up ultrasound on Monday to double check and see if my placenta had moved since it was low lying the last time -- it has by the way. They don't see any problems in the future, thank goodness! I was seriously worried that I would be forced to have a c-section that I didn't want, just because my placenta decided to be a bastard. I even got taken off of pelvic rest -- woohoo! Reilly got to see her little sister this time too! She was so super excited. She's getting more and more on board with this baby thing every day, which I am totally thankful for. In the mornings we get to wake up later, she'll rub my tummy and feel where the baby is at -- she hasn't felt her kick yet, but that takes time. She's still pretty hard to get to kick on command. But Reilly is loving being a big sister so far. She kisses my stomach and sings to the baby. She loves every minute of it.


So I guess that's all that's been going on. Or at least, that's all I feel like writing about right now. The last two weeks have been hectic, and while the next week will be relatively calm, I know there is more coming up. Thankfully I have my massage appointment a week from tomorrow, so I'm going to take some time and relax by myself and get massaged. Then I have a hair appointment on Saturday! I'm so excited! Also...hello at least 9 days of nice weather! This weekend its supposed to be almost 80 one day! I love when Washington summer finally decides to come around.

I'll try to update a little more. We'll see how that goes. I have been completely lacking in things to write about lately, and I don't feel like I have the time or the energy to keep up with this. But I will damnit. I DO however need to post pictures from our moving. Granted...our house was still messy, but it was a little hard to see our house all empty. :( I miss it already. I especially miss having cable in our bedroom and Reilly having her own room. Though she LOVES her cubby hole (which, I still have to take pictures of THAT too. See, I'm behind)

I'll update later.