100 Words (or less) About Breastfeeding

Amber McCann posted on her blog a couple weeks ago about writing down your breastfeeding journey in 100 words are less. There are so many different things I could say about my breastfeeding journey with Ophelia...it has been an amazing journey. 


So I decided to write 100 words (okay, it ended up being 92 words) about my breastfeeding journey. Like I said, I could say a ton about this journey...but I did limit myself.

I hope you enjoy!


100 Words About My Journey as a Breastfeeding Mother

Number one. Three months. I was disappointed in myself and my ability to push forward during the struggles I had. I promised myself I would do better. Number two. Ten months and counting. Still going strong through 11 weeks of surprise number three. Planning to wean earlier than previously planned, but still confident in making it to at least twelve months. Number three will be easy. Though now I dislike the familiar soreness and the sleepless nights of nursing while pregnant. Number three will be so lucky. As are one and two.

Am I Going to Have a Doula for Baby O #3?

So, as you are all aware, I found out I'm pregnant...again.

I went to the doctor for a dating ultrasound earlier this week, and as of today I am 9w4d pregnant.

I've been thinking about something since I found out I was pregnant.

Do I want a doula at the birth of baby number 3?

As a doula myself...I felt obligated. I felt like I would be looked down on as a doula if I did not have a doula at my own birth! When I was pregnant with Ophelia, I was so upset that I wasn't going to have a doula at my birth. I felt like I would be giving myself the best chance to get what I wanted during her birth if I did have a doula...but Brad did not want a doula present. And after a lot of conversation (and possibly a little arguing) we agreed not to have a doula at Ophelia's birth...we agreed to see how her birth went, and then would come back to the situation when I got pregnant again, depending on how we felt her birth went. I was still a little upset over it, but we had talked it out and we came to an agreement, and we both stood by our choice. Which was ultimately fine. I had a fantastic birth with Ophelia...even though not EVERYTHING went exactly 100% how I wanted it to, I was happy with what did happen. And really, the only things I would have changed, would have had nothing to do with a doula in the first place (like the fact that I did not want to stay in the hospital as long as I did).

So now that I'm pregnant and a doula, I've had to figure out what would be best for my family. As a doula, I encourage mamas and their partners to make the best choices for their families and follow their hearts with what they want to do. I encourage mamas and their partners to educate themselves about the birth process and procedures at their hospitals or birth centers.

So how do I feel about having a doula?

Not good. When I imagine having a doula at the birth of baby number three, I get anxious and uneasy. It doesn't make me feel good. After Reilly's birth, with so many people in the room with me as I was pushing her out, a huge number of people in the delivery room made me feel uneasy. Including myself, nurses and my midwife there were at least nine people in the room with me...that was too many. Even with Ophelia's birth....just Brad and I, the OB and some nurses was too much. Ultimately, I would like it to be me, Brad, a midwife and one nurse...tops. I think all the people are completely unnecessary. So why would I want to add a doula to the mix? I'm also not very comfortable with people *in general*. It depends...if I was back home...I would probably have my mom come doula for me...and even then, I still might not. I am one of those people who needs to be really comfortable with the people who are around me when I give birth. And a lot of that does have to do with my first birth...I felt very uncomfortable with at least one person in the room....and it has really bothered me all these years later.

I am also completely confident in my ability (and Brad's as well) to advocate for me. I'm very educated about what I want and need and what is acceptable and what to do in an emergency. I am willing to speak my mind (and Brad is too). We have come up with things to help us and not hurt us.


So, to answer the question posed earlier....do I want a doula at the birth of baby number three? No. I don't. Am I going to? No. I'm not.


I greatly appreciate the women who have allowed me to come into their lives and be present at the births of their children. I encourage mamas to get a doula if they feel like they need the extra support. I want women to be able to have the birth that they want, whether that means natural and intervention free or induction and pain relief. And I want the ability to birth how I want, without being chastised as a professional. I believe the best thing a woman can do for herself is to find a way to be empowered and well educated, as well as confident in her choice as a woman and a mother, and that is exactly what I am doing by not having a doula.

This is something that has honestly been weighing on my mind and my heart a lot. I seriously felt like I would be "black-listed" as a doula (with all those clients and all that pull I have in the community right? Heh.) for NOT having a doula. It caused me a lot of anxiety and I believe that if I did have a doula at the birth of this baby, I would be one of those women who just stopped labor/dilation/whatever because of how mentally uncomfortable I would be.

So I am not going to have a doula for the birth of my third baby....and this is the best choice for me, my husband, and my baby.

The Good News Just Keeps On Coming!

So I haven't been able to unveil my super secret news yet, but I do have some other fantastic news that I CAN share!

We found out a couple days ago that we're expecting little bebe #3!!

We're so excited....surprised...and a little nervous (at least I am), but excited none the less!

I promise to write more about it later, but right now I'm in the process of getting my house semi-put together...we JUST moved on post on Wednesday!

But I just thought I'd share the fantastic news (even though the super secret news has yet to be shared....*sigh*)

52 Week of Organizing

Somehow, I stumbled onto The Organizing Junkie's blog last night. Holy flippin cow I am in love with this website. She's doing a 52 weeks of organizing section on her blog. For those of you who haven't been to my house, its....dysfunctional to say the least. At any given time, I have about 10 piles of crap laying around the house that I just look and groan at when I walk by. I'm horrible at keeping things in their places and because of that, my house is constantly in disarray.

So I've decided to take her up on her 52 weeks of organizing challenge (I guess its a challenge...). The only thing is that, I'm going to wait until we move to start doing it. Which is a little frustrating because after reading all of this stuff, I wanna just do it NOW...but instead, I gotta pack up my goodies and get them ready to go to a new house.

In The Org Junkie's first post of the 52 weeks, she asks us, the readers, to write out a list of the 52 things we wanna do. I have a feeling that I'll be doing more than one a week, especially after Reilly starts going to school and I have one less kid to do things with during the day (I love doing things with her, it's just that she has a lot of energy!)

So I'll try to keep posted on my organizing and what not! I'm really excited to start doing this...just a bummer I gotta wait until next week!

The first 10 things I'm going to tackle (which will probably happen in a couple weeks instead of 10) are:

1. Go through & purge all unused kitchen tools, to include anything from big appliances to spoons.
2.Find homes for my cookbooks and start my recipe binder.
3.Organize my laundry room.
4. Stock all the bathrooms with soap, tp, towels, etc.
5.Organize my linen closet
6. Find a storage solution for our recycling
7. Storage for dog toys and other doggie goodies (food/treats/shampoo/etc)
8. Go through Ophelia's toys -- purge or clean
9. Storage solution for Ophelia's toys
10. Start making my house hold notebook

Look at all that fun stuff I get to do!!

I'm all the way up to 44 things to do so far, and organizing and keeping control of the clutter is an ongoing process. Cleaning, purging, making homes....I'm really bad at all of that. So I'm excited to start doing this and getting it all done. And luckily, I can break it down into multiple steps and days if I need to so its not so overwhelming. I get overwhelmed REALLY easily.

Check back in a week or two to see how I'm doing!


Speaking of moving, we get the keys to our new house next week and can start moving in immediately. Can't wait you guys!!

Don't Be A Negative Nancy

The other day, I had the displeasure of getting into an argument with someone...a friend of my husband's....over doulas. She is a nurse. She went to nursing school, and as far as I am aware, she is currently working as a nurse somewhere over in the Midwest.

Before I go any further in my little rant, I need to make something clear. Just because I am a doula and a natural birth advocate does not mean I am anti-nurse/doctor/medicine. I have a lot of respect for doctors and nurses. They have worked very hard to get where they are. I do not think that medical interventions are always unnecessary. The majority? Maybe. Even half the time? Quite possibly. I am obviously speaking of pregnancy and childbirth only) But I am very thankful that we live in a day and age where we have the tools necessary for emergencies. I am of the opinion that doctors have turned childbirth into a completely medicalized process, treating it as a disease instead of something natural. And however I may feel about some nurses and doctors on a personal level (for instance, I am not a big fan of the head nurse and OB who attended Ophelia's birth) does not carry over into how I feel about nurses and doctors on a professional level. And while I'm on the subject, I am a natural birth advocate, and I believe that if a woman is making an informed choice on her terms instead of a doctors, she has the right to make whatever choice she desires. I personally want women to be informed about what they do to their bodies.

That being said....this is what started the whole debacle:

I have never seen a doula around here. Interesting. We the nurses do all of the before and after teaching and are very hands on through the delivery process. We also have lactation consultants (also nurses) come in and will go to women's homes. So I am not really seeing the point unless it's a home birth.

Phew. Is anyone else irritated by this statement? Or is it just me? As a woman who has given birth two times myself, and has many, many friends who have given birth, I just would like to call bullshit. For the record, the woman I am discussing has never been pregnant or given birth. Lets see...with my first baby, no nurse explained to me what was going on before or during labor. They just told me to do things...."pee in this cup"..."put this on"...."lay like this". Hands on? No. With my second birth, no nurse did anything "hands on"....unless you consider hands on putting an EFM on my stomach, asking me when I wanted to get my epidural, then making snarky comments when I said I wanted a natural childbirth. Then ignoring my requests after Ophelia was born. Yup. Hands.On. Also, I am unsure of any LC who is staffed at a hospital who makes house calls...though maybe there are some...who knows.

We make recommendations, advocate for the patient based on our medical knowledge that we went to college for, not just by taking a course.

I personally, have never had a nurse advocate for me. I have had them make snarky, condescending comments, but not make recommendations based on what I want, or advocate for me in any way.  I know they are out there. I do. I know a couple of women who are nurses and who are caring and compassionate women, and I would assume that personality carries over into their career. With that being said, I have seen very few labor and delivery nurses advocate for a patient. I've read a blog of a L&D nurse and she talks about how difficult it is to advocate for a patient.  (I cannot find the blog right now, but I'm looking, I swear.) I can understand why it would be difficult to advocate for laboring women. Every other place in a hospital is filled with people who are sick, have diseases, or are dying. Except the Labor & Delivery ward. L&D is just filled with mommies having babies, which they have been doing for thousands and thousands of years. As I stated earlier, I believe that childbirth is over-medicalized. According to the CDC the cesarean rate was 32%, which, according to the WHO, should only be 10-15%....which means about half of all the c-sections performed each year are unnecessary.

For the record, I am not sure where in a hospital this nurse works.

We are the patients' advocates and have the medical knowledge to back it up. Any nurse without a backbone to stand up for their patient doesn't need to be a nurse! We don't work for or have to answer to the drs. I have many times told drs what my patient wants or doesn't want. Now I see shy doulas are used so little, lack of medical knowledge.

Again, I personally have never had a nurse advocate for me. A lot of mama's I know who have delivered in a hospital  have disliked at least one of their nurses, if not the majority of their nursing staff. I have read stories of L&D nurses all but being forced to perform unnecessary interventions or procedures on patients that those patients do not want. I have read stories of doctors who do not care what the patient, support person (husband), or nurse says, and do whatever they want anyway. Doulas may not have gone to school for 4 years. Doulas may not be able to give medical advice.

I would LOVE to know where you get your evidence based research. Googling something don't count. Any one or two studies with a handful of participants isn't grounds for evidence based. Do your research on evidence based practice. In layman terms it means MULTIPLE studies were done to show the best, most effective and safest way to do something. Get on CINHL and then talk to me about evidence based research. Good luck in educating yourself. I am pretty sure drs and nurses view birth as something natural.

To me, this is not only an attack on my job but an attack on me personally.  I have read numerous books and studies about labor and childbirth. I know the deal. I know what is necessary and when, and what is not. I have not witnessed many OB/GYNs who practice evidence based care (though that does not mean they aren't out there). I personally do not believe that doctors view birth as "something natural" but a problem they can fix...I know my attending OB at Ophelia's birth didn't...the look on her face when I told her I wasn't moving and was going to push instead made it very apparent that she had never seen a natural childbirth before. I'm a lot of nurses view birth as natural, but that doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. Nurses are nurses, plain and simple. They are overworked and underpaid and have a lot of shit to do on their shifts. They have more patients than they can handle sometimes. They do their best. I truly believe that nurses want to do what is best for their patient...but it doesn't always happen. While technically nurses are not employed by the doctors, they ultimately fall under doctor rule, and often times have to do things that they aren't comfortable with. Not listening to a doctor can have its consequences when you have to work with them on an almost daily basis.

For the record, googling stuff DOES count as long as you are getting your information from reliable resources. Just for the record.



I was so angry. I still am a little irritated. Not only was what I want to do with my life (right now) attacked, but I felt personally attacked as well. Have I gone to 4  years of nursing school? No. I haven't....not yet anyway. But I never claimed to know everything. I know a lot more than a lot of pregnant women about the body, labor and childbirth, but I do not know everything. Being a doula means you are continually learning...just like being a nurse or a doctor. Can I give medical recommendations? No I can't. But I can give my clients the information that I know that has been published by doctors, midwives and other professionals. I'm not saying a doula is for everyone either. I'm not bashing women as a whole or the choices they make. I feel that every woman has the right to do whatever she wants to do to her body, which is also why I'm Pro-Choice. If a woman gets pregnant, and decides right off the bat that they don't want to feel any pain at all, I will make try to make sure that they understand the risks and benefits, but I will not belittle them for getting an epidural...it's not my place at all. I will birth how I feel is best for me and you will do the same.

The nurse that this happened with....I would never feel comfortable having her as my nurse, which is my right as a patient. I have personal issues (aside from this whole thing) with this person that I will not get into, but it is frustrating when someone basically says your job is obsolete and makes cracks about how educated you are (or aren't). And it makes me hurt for the pregnant women. Some hospitals (I know of at least one in Ohio -- and that's almost a different post in and of itself...and is mostly the fault of doulas overstepping their boundaries and trying to play doctor) that have banned doulas all together. Having a doula at a hospital birth has been proven to cause less stress on mom and have less interventions take place, both of which are needed at hospitals.

I feel like I'm making myself look like I'm digging on nurses. I'm not. As I said earlier, I have a great deal of respect for nurses. The nurses I know have worked long and hard, missing out on spending time with their families, to get where they are. And I respect that greatly. I know what is in store for me when I go to nursing school. What I am digging on is ignorance and what I perceive as woman on woman hating. It happens a lot in the birthing community because everyone feels like their way is the best way and that women who do differently are putting them down (for instance, scheduled c-sections vs. natural childbirth, formula vs. breast, etc.). I try to get my point across without telling anyone they are "doing it wrong", but before you start talking shit, please understand that there are many women who don't believe the same thing you do. The attitude this person had (which was very defensive) made it seem like she thought doulas were out to take her job. Which is absolutely not what doulas are trying to do. I don't sit back and talk shit about things I know nothing about. I would hope that other women would educate themselves (just because you go to nursing school doesn't mean they teach you about doulas or you know e-ver-y-thing) before they bash other women. And just because you (the collective 'you') think something is unimportant, does not mean that others feel the same. Doulas have always been a very important part of childbirth. They may not have always been as popular as they used to be, but they have always been important. Having that support is very important to have...whether if be from a Doula, a spouse, a friend or relative, it's important.

I hope I've been able to convey my frustration in a pleasant manner. I tried not to talk shit, or go into 'bitch mode', and I hope I've accomplished that. I will say again, I truly respect nurses and what they do. They are a very important part of our lives. I am not trying to be the nurse when I go into the hospital to doula for someone. Nurses are nurses and I am a doula, and that's the way it will always be.

I don't want to go into this too much, but I attended a birth a little over a week ago. My first one. I was nervous as all hell, my palms were sweating as I walked into the labor room. I introduced myself to the nurses. I feel like I did an okay job. I wasn't too sure of myself, but mama was strong and she did wonderfully. Her little boy is adorable. I had no problems with any of the L&D staff. It was an amazing first experience. As I left the little family to get to know each other, I teared up a little bit as I started my car. Nothing horrible happened, mama and daddy were enjoying their new son and I didn't feel like stabbing any nurses or doctors. That's how it should be. It won't always be that way, but that's how it should be.

I really do hope I've gotten across my disgust for ignorance without coming off as a "know it all". I don't know it all. I don't claim to be something I'm not. I am just frustrated with the lack of understanding. It's frustrating to me to think that THIS is part of the reasons that doulas are looked down upon. Why we are not totally accepted in today's society. It makes me sad.  I hope I've not offended anyone either...my friends and family are very important to me, as well as my readers, and really, I don't want to offend anyone. If I wanted to offend you, I would try harder. Heh.

And thanks for reading all the way through if you made it this far. This was upsetting to me when it happened last week and writing about it has made me feel much better. My best friend told me that there will always be people who make these kinds of comments. And I am seriously thankful that I have more supportive people in my life than not. I hope that by being a good doula and a good person, I can change the minds of those who are "doula haters"....because every woman needs to feel comfortable while she's having a baby, and a doula-hating nurse and a doula do not mix.

Yes. I'm an Atheist.

Atheism is, in a broad sense, the rejection of belief in the existence of deities.^[1] In a narrower sense, atheism is specifically the position that there are no deities.^[2] Most inclusively, atheism is simply the absence of belief that any deities exist.^[3] Atheism is contrasted with theism,^[4][5] which in its most general form is the belief that at least one deity exists

That description is taken straight from Wikipedia (so excuse the links and the notations). I am an Atheist. I do not believe in any God. I do not practice anything religious. I do not celebrate religious holidays (how they are celebrated for any particular religion.) I celebrate Christmas, which to me, is a holiday of giving and spending time with your friends and family, not Jesus' birthday. I celebrate Easter, with egg dying and candy, not the rising of Jesus from the dead. I do not attend church or read from a bible of any sort. We do own two religious books. Da Jesus Book and The Qur'an.  

I became an Atheist about 10 years ago. My parents went to church before I was born. I was blessed or something after I was born (not baptized). I went to a Christian school for preschool and kindergarten. After a long break from church, I started going to church with my mom on a weekly basis. There was a time when I thought I believed in God, but I wasn't sure. There was a lot of back and forth on my part with religion. There were too many unanswered questions and I wasn't too keen on listening to some guy in the sky that no one had ever seen. I didn't like the idea of living my life as dictated by some people who wrote a book. I was conflicted in the fact that this book and these people said things were a certain way, yet science has proven time and time again that things were a completely different way. After my mom said I didn't have to go to church with her anymore (I was notorious for falling asleep during the sermon) I continued to try to have faith. I read my teen bible that my mom had bought me. I continued to try to believe in something I couldn't see.

Ultimately, I came to my own conclusion that I was not a Christian. I did not believe in God. In fact, I did not believe that any deity existed...in any shape or form.

Another reason I am put off by religion, especially Christianity, is because of the...well...let's face it...the nut jobs like the Westboro Baptist Church. The people who believe that their way is the only right way. The people who kill and harass other people because of their life style or their religious beliefs. The people who disrespect people who don't have the same beliefs as they do. Those people turn me off from Christianity and religion. The people who believe that gays and lesbians aren't entitled to the same treatment as heterosexuals. The people who believe life starts at conception and that abortion should be illegal. The racists. The pedophiles. The people who use religion as an excuse to do horrible things. (Please note that I am all for people having opinions...what I am NOT all for is people using the bible to make ridiculous accusations and hate on people for NO REASON.)

I am not saying that religious people are inherently bad. Both my mom and mother in law are Christians. I love and respect them both. Personally, I think my mom is epitome of a good Christian woman. I really do. And I love and respect her for that. I don't tell her on the phone that being a Christian is stupid, because I respect her and her right as a person to believe what she wants.  While she may not like my choices or beliefs, she does not disrespect me. She doesn't tell me that I'm ridiculous for believing there is no God.

There is a certain stigma behind being an Atheist. Most Christians think that Atheists are bad people. That we have no morals. I can tell you that is not the case. Sure, some Atheists are bad. So are some Christians....along with Muslims, Hindus, Catholics, and Wiccans. Bad people are just bad people, but not entire religious groups. I try my hardest to live a moral life...I don't cheat on my taxes (though that's mostly in part because I have no taxes to cheat on since I don't work. Ha!), I don't go around stealing or assaulting people. I think I'm a generally nice person...though I do have a tendency to get a little irritated when people are ignorant and I put my foot down and make my opinions known....but that's not because I'm an Atheist, that's because I have a lot of opinions. I try to raise my kids to be happy, healthy individuals who can contribute to society.

“No, I don't know that atheists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered as patriots. This is one nation under God.” -- George H.W. Bush

That's my deal. I'm an Atheist. I try to be the best person I can be. And I'm sorry if you think that me not believing in God is offensive. It is not my intention to try to offend you....and if you are offended by my lack of faith, then maybe you should do a little more soul searching and get better acquainted with yours. Personally, I believe that if you are offended by the fact that I am an Atheist, then you aren't very secure in your religion.

The bottom line? Please show me some respect. No, your preaching and telling me this or that about God isn't going to magically make me a believer. Telling me that I'm wrong or that I'm going to hell isn't going to make me a believer. In fact, the likelihood that I will stop talking to you is significantly higher if you do these things. I don't tell you that there is absolutely no God because I believe that religion is something that people need to come to their own conclusions about. I respect your right as a person to believe whatever you want, and I would expect the same from you. I won't pretend that I'm not an Atheist. I am an Atheist through and through...I even got a tattoo....its on my arm for all to see. It says "infidel" in Arabic.

in·fi·del  (nf-dl, -dl)

n.

1. Offensive An unbeliever with respect to a particular religion, especially Christianity or Islam.

2. One who has no religious beliefs.

3. One who doubts or rejects a particular doctrine, system, or principle.

I am an Atheist, and very proud of it. 

New Post Coming Soon

I haven't posted in awhile. I'll post soon, I have loads to talk about!

I'm gonna whore myself out a little bit.....

So the other day, Blogger went down for maintenance. Just as I was finishing up an update about my super secret news. Which got deleted. *sigh* So I'll have to rewrite it sooner or later. I have a couple things that I want to get around to writing about (and soon my super secret news...), but for right now, I'm going to do a shameless business plug.

So if you read my blog, you'll know that I am well on my way to becoming a doula. The only thing standing in my way right now is my births, which I have two lined up for later this month and in July. I've got almost all my reading done (literally, I am on the last part of a couple of books), and I need to do a survey of the childbirth classes available in my area, but I am this close to getting my certification.

I took a big leap and already started getting things ready for my own small business. I still get all excited thinking about the fact that I am going to own a small business. So I figured out a name...which I was stressing over for a really long time...but ya know, the thing about stuff like that, is it just comes to you. Which it did this time. I started thinking about what I wanted to do as a doula, and my personal goal is to make sure mama is as calm as she can be. So!

Calm Mama Doula Services!!  (you can find my website at that link)
Calm Mama Doula Services Facebook business page

You can also find me on twitter @calmmamadoula.

I know right?! Aren't you excited too?!?  I've been trying to make a list of all the stuff I need for an information binder for my clients to borrow during their time as my client. I'm also trying to put together my intake and confidentiality forms. I also have business cards that I need to get printed!!

I also have a ton of not fun business things to take care of...like signing up for an LLC (or obtaining?), and getting a business bank account, and getting everything set up so I can have a productive business. I also have to figure out how I'm going to pay for some things that I want for my "doula bag".....I found some awesome stuff at this website called Your Doula Bag, which I'll probably be buying from (and after my certification I can write off as a business expense!).

So you guys, if you read my blog, go like my fan page for my doula business! If you have any friends living on Oahu, who are pregnant and looking for a doula, point them my way! I know that not all doulas and clients fit together -- it's just like building a relationship.

I'm just so flipping excited!

OH! And can I just say how much I ADORE my husband for being so supportive of what I'm doing? Technically, he's helped me get my certifying clients, which I very much appreciate. He's been pimpin my business on his facebook. He's been helping me with reviewing my forms and information. He even sat down and helped me make my business cards! Aren't I super lucky?! The answer is yes. Yes I am.

So there it is!! Almost the official start of my new doula business. I know the business isn't going to be pouring in right away...which is fine with me...it'll give me some time to get everything together. Plus, I don't want a bombarded business...I want to be able to function, and still be able to spend time with my family.

I can't wait to share with you my super secret news guys, and I can't wait to get started on my doula venture.

<3

Two Kisses for Maddy

Yesterday, a friend posted a status on Facebook about the book she was reading. After a couple posts back and forth, I went and checked out the blog of one Matt Logelin over at his blog, matt, liz and madeline. For those of you who are unfamiliar with his blog, he writes about the love of his life, the birth of his daughter, and the untimely death of the mother of his child, just before she was supposed to meet their daughter for the first time.

His book is basically an extension of his blog...he goes through the meeting of his wife, their life together, finding out that she was pregnant, the birth of their daughter, and ultimately the death of his wife. He writes about the struggles he faced as not only a widower, but as a single dad. It's called Two Kisses for Maddy.

When I heard about this book, I had never heard of Matt's blog before. But I read the back story, which you can read on his website if you follow the "haven't been here before" tab. I cried. After reading a couple of posts, I decided to put even more money on my credit card to buy the e-book. (Which, I'll be honest...I love my e-reader, and appreciate that my husband bought it for me, but nothing can possibly compare to holding a real book in your hands -- plus, you look uber smart with a bookcase overflowing with books instead of a nifty little hand-held device with books on it.)

Two Kisses for Maddy

The book is short....well...short in my mind...at only 242 pages. It was a quick read (for me) and I finished it in just a few hours. I'll admit, I'm not usually one to read the sappy books, especially if its a true story. When I read, I like to be taken away to a fantasy place with fantasy people. I don't like to be reminded that bad things happen to good people. I don't like to read a book, knowing that someone went through all of these things. But this book was good. This book was different. This wasn't a self help book, but a very real, very raw glimpse into the life of one man, who gained a daughter and lost a wife, all in the span of 27 hours. This man, who was in a great deal of pain rose up to the challenge of keeping the spirit of his wife alive for their newborn daughter. He took it as a personal mission to let his daughter know what a special woman her mama was. All while dealing with the funeral arrangements, friends and family, and the death of the woman that he loved with all his heart.

I'm not big on writing book reviews. If I like a book, I'll recommend it to friends who ask for book suggestions. But rarely to I flat out say "go read this book". But this was different....and I think it's because everyone, at some time or another, wonders what would happen if the love of their life died, especially if you still have young kids at home. I've probably thought about it more than most people, just based on the fact that my husband has been and will continue to be put in dangerous situations. Every time he leaves our house to go do something for the Army, there is always a chance he won't come back. Reading this book hit those nerves inside me that are specifically set aside for deployment times. It was hard enough to read it with him sleeping right next to me, where I knew he was safe and sound, and I'm glad that I didn't decide to read this book during a deployment where those feelings are always at the surface.

This book,  this glimpse into the life of a man with so much love, is heart wrenching. I cried through about half of the book. I laughed at a couple spots. I looked at my husband while he slept and I stayed up (late) reading (which I have a tendency to do if I find a book that's worth it) and thought about what I would do if my husband was suddenly ripped from my life. How would I react? Where would I go? What would I do? How would I tell the girls that their daddy was gone? How would I make sure that they had a strong male role model (or 5 or 10?)

Or what if it was me? How would Brad deal with it? Would he raise the girls how I would have? Would he remind them how much I loved them, and would he tell them all about our life together? Would he make sure their hair was perfectly and their clothes were matching? Would he bring them home to visit all their relatives and make sure that they were surrounded by love?

Obviously the answer is, of course he would. If either one of us was just suddenly gone, we would each do the best we could to make sure that our girls knew their other parent loved them. And to keep the spirit of that person alive.

We are very lucky to have the family that we do. Not just our immediate families....not just moms and dads, brothers and sister...we have an amazing extended family. Not just our aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents, but our friends, who are so close, they are like our family. We have strong, amazing men in our lives who would be there to help the girls if Brad was gone. We have equally strong, amazing women in our lives who would be there in a heart beat to help if I was gone.

This book made me so thankful that I have what I do. And it makes my heart break for this man and his little girl, because she will never get to know the amazing woman her daddy loved.

So. In short, read this book. Make sure you have some tissues.

Guilty of Being a Helicopter Parent

Over at The Deranged Housewife's blog today, she posted about "Free-Range Kids". She posed the question on her facebook:

Are you totally "free range," a helicopter parent or somewhere in the middle? 

photo from journeyerschronicles.com

 I thought about it as I read her blog...and answered that I'm more of a "helicopter parent" than I would like to be. With Reilly being my first born, and being a first time mom with her, I've always been a little overly protective of her. I used to scoop her up at every little boo-boo or bump and cuddle her till she felt better. I don't really let her move too far away from me...I want her to be in my eye sight, and me in hers, at all times. While my mom and sister-in-law were here, we went to the Aloha Stadium swap meet. I was with my sister-in-law, Trish, Reilly and Ophelia. Reilly said that she wanted to go see grandma, who was probably about 5 booths down or so. I said okay, and I watched her walk down into the booth that she was in. A few minutes later, she was no where to be found! I flipped out...my heart was beating really fast, I was worried...I couldn't find my baby! There were so many people there, and I didn't know any of them, or if they had any intentions that weren't good. 

 It was scary! Eventually we found her...she had walked out of the booth my mom was in to come back to me and Trish. I yanked her arm and we stepped aside to talk about WHY we ABSOLUTELY DO NOT walk away from people without telling them. I was furious and scared. I asked her what would happen if someone swiped her, and how that would make everyone feel! We agreed that everyone would be sad and worried if we didn't know where she was, and she would be scared. 

The idea of letting Reilly walk out our front door with her little bike and helmet and going for a joy ride up and down the block terrifies me. The idea of letting her go run off and play with other kids makes me wanna barf. There are so many things that scare me about letting her be a "free-range kid". I'm scared that someone is just gonna yank her off the street. Just the other day, down the road from us, some guy just grabbed a little four year old girl out of her front yard. Just reached over the fence and grabbed her! He said that the little girl "looked like" his own four year old daughter...I'm sorry...but no. You know what your child looks like. He was just trying to swipe a little kid. This was literally a mile or less away from our home. Now, how scary is that shit, right? 

I want to be able to give Reilly a little more freedom...she's getting older. When I was a little older than her, I would stay out as late as I possibly could with my neighbors, playing around where ever, riding our bikes in the neighborhood, never a worry on my mind. I remember one summer staying in a cold pool so long that my knees turned blue. I used to be able to do that....and now...it doesn't feel so safe. It's not that I don't trust my kid...I do...I don't trust anyone else though. I don't even trust other kids...because lets face it...other kids are mean and sneaky now! 

I know I can't continue to be a "helicopter parent" for the rest of my life...I know eventually I'll have to let my kids do things by themselves. I know one day, Reilly will be okay riding her bike down to the park and I can trust her to come back in safe condition. I'm confident that I can teach her to avoid bad situations and people. But when does that start? When do I let the leash go a little bit, and let her do things herself without me there?  How to a become okay with myself and her ability to be a "big kid", and not stress over it?

I know that down the road, there will be other things along this same line that I'll worry about...I'll worry when she starts driving and stays out past her curfew...which...she's my kid...she'll do it eventually. I'll be worried when she doesn't call me when she's supposed to, or when she's not where she said she was going to be. And I'll cross that road when I get there...but right now, I'm just worried about how to transition from my baby being a baby to a big kid, and how to deal with that.

Mamas (and daddies) -- how have you dealt with letting your child venture out? What do you think is an appropriate age to give them a little more freedom? And how do you calm your anxiety about it?